


When All Is Said and Done

by LadyWallace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Big Bro Gabriel, Cas gets love, Coma Cas, Fixing all the seasons, Gabriel is pissed, Gabriel makes the boys sorry, Gen, Guilty Sam and Dean, Hugs, Hurt/limp Cas, I fix everything, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lots of Angst, Major fix-it, New Beginnings, Pretty much a look back through all the Cas eps from S5-S11, Protective Gabriel, Season 11 au, The boys see all the times they've hurt cas, Too many episode tags to tag, gabriel is the trickster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 19:18:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11653014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyWallace/pseuds/LadyWallace
Summary: Post S11 AU After the Darkness is defeated and Lucifer is put back in the cage, it’s still not back to normal for Winchesters and Co. Tensions are high between the brothers and Cas, things are said that shouldn’t be, and with Cas lying nearly dead, it’s up to Gabriel to put things back in order and make Sam and Dean realize not only where they went wrong with his little brother this time but all the times before. No slash. Major Fix-It Fic





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was one I wrote before the S11 finale even aired so obviously, it's AU. Also Gabriel is back. There are a ton of scenes I pulled from episodes as well, which I'm sure you'll see, either they're taken directly from the episodes, or I modified them a little and wrote some "deleted scenes". Needless to say any dialogue you recognize from the show is not mine. I'm just borrowing :)

It had been one of the most desperate battles the Winchesters had faced to date, and that was saying something since they had gone up against the Leviathans and the Mother of all Monsters and even won the freaking Apocalypse. But Amara was a whole new level, and there had been times they were certain they weren't going to make it out alive, and probably wouldn't have, if they hadn't had Gabriel step up as a Hail Mary, resurrected by Lucifer—though reluctantly—to help in the final battle. Even then, they had all been busted up pretty bad though they had finally prevailed, and locked Amara back up where she belonged.

But that was hardly the end of their troubles, for after Amara was defeated, and the four of them were standing, barely keeping their feet, and trying to comprehend that it was actually over, Lucifer had tried to make a move.

_~~~~~~~~~_

_Sam and Dean were standing to one side, Dean's hand on Sam's shoulder to steady him, or maybe to keep himself from collapsing. He didn't want to admit to the loss he felt now that Amara was gone, his freaky bond with her having done a number on him, but he also felt pure relief, making him light-headed. He felt free._

_"It's over, Dean," Sam panted, turning to his brother, relief reflected in his eyes as well, a hand gripping Dean's arm. "It's over."_

_A cold chuckle sounded then, and they looked up at Lucifer still wearing Cas' body, and grinning like a madman._

_"Oh, no, this isn't over yet, Sammy-boy. This isn't over until you two are obliterated. Now, I would obviously love to keep you as my personal pets, but I could never relax with you two alive—I'd always have to be watching my back, and I don't have the patience for that. So I guess this is goodbye."_

_"No!" Dean and Gabriel yelled at the same time as Lucifer raised a hand to smite the Winchesters. But before he could do anything, his face suddenly scrunched up and he fell to his knees._

_"Down, Castiel," he growled, his eyes blazing in fury. "Big brother's working."_

_He grunted and slumped with his hands against the ground as Sam and Dean and Gabriel watched with horror, wondering what to do. Not sure what they could do without endangering Cas._

_Finally Lucifer raised his head, but Dean could tell instantly it wasn't Lucifer._

_"Cas?" he asked._

_"Sam, Dean, run," Cas gritted out. "I'm going to… try to expel him—agh!." He screamed in pain and crumpled to the ground before his body rose with a dark laugh, obviously Lucifer again. He got to his feet and dusted off his coat with an air of overconfidence._

_"Cute, Castiel, but you don't have enough power for that. Forgot to take your vitamins before fighting the Darkness."_

_Gabriel advanced, his blade held at the ready. "Get out of him, Lucifer."_

_"What are you going to do, little brother? Carve me out of him? You know I can't leave unless I want out or he does, and if you start carving, he'll die first, that's a promise."_

_Gabriel grit his teeth, knowing it was true. "Hey, Castiel, you fight him, you hear me, little brother? Don't let that douche-nozzle win!"_

_"Come on, Cas!" Sam added. "You can do it!"_

_"Throw his ass out!" Dean shouted too, wishing he could do something to help._

_"What's with the peanut gallery? I've had enough of you two," Lucifer said and advanced on the Winchesters, raising a hand, only to be stopped mid-stride, his back arching in agony and his eyes glowing blue. He fell on his knees again and Cas' voice gritted out, "Get out, Lucifer. You are no longer allowed inside this body." He groaned and crumpled to the ground before screaming. "Do you hear me? I no longer give my consent! Now get. The hell. Out!"_

_The Winchesters had to cover their eyes against the blinding light that surrounded Castiel, but it looked like he had finally succeeded in ejecting Lucifer. Dean was startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder, Gabriel leaning close to his and Sam's ears and yelling against the deafening shriek that was filling the air and getting louder by the minute._

_"I've got to get Luci back into his vacation home while he's still vulnerable and weakened. Meet you back at the ranch!"_

_And with that he was gone and the shrieking stopped. Sam and Dean cautiously uncovered their eyes and looked to where Castiel was slumped on the ground, panting heavily._

_"Cas!" Sam cried, the first to run over and help the angel into a sitting position. Castiel groaned as he sat up, submitting to Sam's examination of his injuries. He looked very much worse for wear, there were several bloody rents in his clothes from the fight with Amara, but Dean couldn't see if they had healed yet or not, though they looked like they were still bleeding, and there was some other wear, where his body had started to corrode in the past week or so, not being equipped to contain an archangel. He looked like he shouldn't even be conscious._

_Dean crouched on his other side and put a hand under his arm. "You good to stand, Cas?" he asked._

_"I-think I can manage," the angel said wearily._

_Sam shot Dean a look, but the elder Winchester ignored him and started to pull Cas to his feet. The angel swayed and both brothers gripped him tighter, keeping him upright._

_"You're good," Dean said, patting him on the back as Cas winced. "We need to get back to the bunker."_

_It wasn't a long drive, only an hour from the setting of their final showdown with the Darkness, but it was silent. Everyone with their own thoughts, Dean's in turmoil as he gripped the wheel, and Sam watching him out of the corner of his eye, wondering when things were going to explode. And then there was Cas, that brave idiot, who had won the war for them, sitting in the back seat, looking like he wanted to fall over, only clinging to consciousness through pure stubbornness, and Dean couldn't understand why he was so angry with him._

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thinking back, Dean would have given anything to say something different to the angel, his friend, his brother, when he had finally opened his big stupid mouth. Because now he was sitting by Cas' bed, watching the angel struggle to breathe as his body fought to heal itself from the horrible damage that had been done. The fight alone was bad enough, but Lucifer had taken so much of his power to fuel his own that he was left without the ability to heal himself and it was beyond even Gabriel's ability to do so. And as Dean watched his friend's struggles, practically felt Cas slipping away from him, he just wished he could take it all back. Because if that was the last thing Cas remembered, if he never recovered, Dean wasn't sure what he was going to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_They pulled into the garage and got out, all three of them barely able to keep their feet, but Cas, the worst off of them all, was trying to get out of the backseat of the Impala. Sam hurried to help him, but Dean came around the car and grabbed the angel's elbow before he could. "I got him, Sam, go get the first aid stuff ready. We're all gonna need it." Sam gave him a hesitant look, but swallowed back whatever he might have said and turned for the door. Dean pulled on Cas to get him started, and the angel noticed the impersonal touch for what it was and finally opened his mouth to speak._

_"Dean, I know what you're going to say…"_

_"Do you really, Cas?" Dean snapped, finally feeling the anger that had been roiling inside of him since he found out about Cas' deal with Lucifer bubbling over. "Because I've got a hell of a lot to say about recent events, and the first thing is why you would pull a stupid move like that?"_

_Cas sagged against him with a sigh even though he tried to keep himself upright. "I just wanted to pull my weight, Dean. It was the only way to defeat Amara; you know that. And it worked, so I don't see why you're so upset."_

_Dean stopped and yanked Castiel around by his arm, causing the angel to grit his teeth as he looked into Dean's angry green eyes. "You don't? Well, then let me explain it to you, Cas. Not only was it an utterly stupid, suicidal plan on your part, but you let an enemy into our group, our home. Do you have any idea how badly that could have gone? Who knows what Lucifer could have done with the stuff he found in here. And not only that, but you allowed that creature within close proximity of my little brother, who he spent years torturing in hell and went on to make him go nearly crazy when he was riding around in Sammy's skull after you busted his wall!"_

_Cas pulled himself up, wrenching his arm from Dean's grip, his eyes growing hard. "I knew the risks. Believe me, I knew them, but I couldn't stand by and let Amara destroy the world when I had a chance to stop her. You of all people should understand that, Dean. I did it, I said yes, so you or Sam wouldn't have to make that call. It was my turn to pull the weight."_

_"We could have found another way! We always do!" Dean shouted back._

_Cas shook his head. "No, you knew this was the only solution, but you couldn't do it, you or Sam, and that's okay. That's why I was here. I was finally able to repay my penance. I found my purpose, Dean. Why I've stayed around for so long."_

_"What are you talking about?" Dean demanded._

_"I knew it was a suicide mission. That's why I said, yes. So I could finally do some good again, because I'm…expendable." The last word was spoken wearily and Cas' shoulders sagged._

_Dean's eyes narrowed, struggling to come up with something to say before he came out with, "So what, you think your sacrifice, the fulfillment of your 'penance' was worth putting us all in danger? Worth nearly letting freaking Lucifer get his hands on Sammy again? I'm happy you have a clean slate and all now, but that's a hell of a price to pay for self gratification."_

_Cas opened his mouth as if to say something and then seemed to decide against it, sagging even more and propping a hand on the doorjamb, affecting a steely, detached gaze at the elder Winchester. "I'm sorry for the grief I caused you, Dean, but it seems likely you won't have to worry about that much longer."_

_"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean demanded as Cas began to make his way into the bunker unaided. "Cas, don't you dare walk away from me, I'm not done with this talk!"_

_He stormed through the door that was shutting behind Cas and caught sight of Sam hurrying from the other room, obviously brought there by the shouting. Cas was slumped with his hands braced on the map table in the war room and Dean caught Sam's look, obviously indicative of chewing his older brother out, but they were interrupted by a sudden choking sound. Cas' shoulders spasmed and he folded over, a hand clutched to his chest._

_"Cas!" Sam cried, reaching him first and gripping his shoulder. "Cas, you all right?"_

_Dean, forgetting his anger for a minute as fear surged through him, ran forward as well, just as Cas collapsed, blood oozing from his mouth. Sam barely caught him before his head hit the floor and by the time Dean got there, the angel was completely unconscious; pale, bloody and looking like he was on Death's doorstep. He and Sam shared a look that was more telling than any words could be, but Dean already felt the pit settling into his stomach, and in the back of his head, he knew this had been his fault…_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean ran a hand down his face tiredly, squeezing his eyes shut as the scene played itself over and over again in his head. There was a swollen tightness on the left side of his face where bruises were blossoming. Not from the battle but from Gabriel's fist, and yeah, Dean knew he had pulled the punch because otherwise his brains would have been all over the floor, but boy could the archangel lay it on, even when he wasn't trying. He was lucky he hadn't suffered a broken jaw. But he didn't blame Gabriel either. It was all he deserved for what he had said to Cas. The truth was that, sure, he was pissed, of course he was, that was just his natural reaction to Sammy being put in danger, but he was also pissed because he was scared. Scared of losing his other brother, the best friend he had ever had besides Sam. Because Cas had made a stupid call saying yes to Lucifer, but even worse, because he hadn't planned on getting out of it alive. And that wasn't okay, because they didn't get the luxery of just giving up. And he may still not make it out of this one, thanks to Dean and what he had said; pretty much sealing the idea into the angel's head that he wished the result had been more final. Because Cas was, in his own words, expendable.

And where the hell did he come up with that? Dean wondered to himself. Surely that hadn't been his fault. Had it?

But maybe it had. He closed his eyes as more memories assaulted him.

~~~~ _~~~~~~~~~_

_He and Sam had still been crouching on the floor with Cas' limp form between them, trying to figure out the manner of his injuries, when Gabriel came back, throwing open the door to the bunker and clanging down the metal stairs._

_"What happened?" he demanded as he caught sight of Castiel._

_"He collapsed," Sam supplied as the archangel shoved Dean aside none-too-gently to get at Cas, slipping an arm under his shoulders and pulling him onto his knee. "He doesn't seem to be healing either."_

_"He gave too damn much to this," Gabriel growled, patting Cas' face. "Hey, Cassie, you wake up, kiddo, don't make me pinch you. And I'm not above slapping or freezing water, either just FYI."_

_As the angel made no indication of waking, Gabriel simply bent and slipped his arms under Cas' body, lifting the taller angel effortlessly. "Where's his room?" he asked._

_"He doesn't—" Dean began but Gabriel obviously wasn't taking that for an answer._

_"Where is his room?" he demanded._

_"He sometimes stays in this one—I'll show you," Sam said and hurried off deeper into the bunker, opening a door for Gabriel to carry Cas inside. Dean followed, sharing a look with Sam as they stood in the doorway to the plain room that didn't even have extra blankets on the bed at the moment, and was without any personal effects. Gabriel laid Cas down on the bed as gently as a child and put a hand to his forehead. Gabriel closed his eyes in concentration and Sam and Dean expected to see the glow of healing but nothing happened. Gabriel cursed and began to pull Cas' filthy, bloodstained clothes off. "Dammit, Castiel, don't do this to me," he muttered pulling the sheet over him, then turning to the Winchesters and startling them as he snapped, "Hey, dimwits! Don't just stand there and look pretty. Blankets and first aid kit, now!"_

_They went to fetch the items instantly and when they returned, Gabriel silently started to work on Cas, cleaning and bandaging the wounds that refused to heal, and then tucked the blanket around him, one hand carding through Cas' hair a few times before he straightened. He turned back to the door and the Winchesters still standing there and stared at them for a minute with a steely gaze before he pulled back and swung._

_Dean was on his backside before he knew what hit him, clutching the side of his face that was now numb. "What the hell, man?" he demanded._

_"Please," Gabriel scoffed. "That's only a smidgeon of what you deserve. You watch out for him until I get back. I'm gonna take a walk before I decide to kill you."_

_And then he was gone, and Sam was helping Dean to his feet and the elder brother only felt worse._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean remembered Gabriel's face when he had informed the archangel that Cas didn't have a room at the bunker. The way Gabriel had asked it, he had been so sure, and why the hell didn't Cas have a room? Dean had never thought about offering one. Even when the angel had been convalescing after Rowena's curse he had camped out in Sam's room watching Netflix when they weren't there and had mostly spent his time on their couch in the library when they were. Cas didn't exactly need to sleep, but still, it probably would have been courteous to allow him to pick out a bedroom when he wanted to crash and relax. A space of his own. Dean had never thought it mattered to the angel, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe he had been wrong about a lot of things. Maybe—probably—that was why Cas had called himself expendable. Maybe…maybe he thought he actually was because that's how the Winchesters had treated him.

"Damn it, Cas," Dean groaned, rubbing his hand over his face again. "You know that's not true, right?"

The door opened and Sam looked in, his face pinched with worry. "Hey, how is he?"

"The same," Dean said.

Sam's mouth twitched as if he wanted to say something then changed his mind. "Um, I made something for dinner. You should probably eat. And you need to get those wounds cleaned up."

Dean realized then he hadn't even changed or washed the blood off of himself from the fight. The pain from his injuries, though mostly superficial, came back in a rush, along with a ravenous hunger and also the need to make sure Sam was all right. He stood up. "Yeah, I kind of forgot. How are you doing?"

"I'm good. Sore, but I already cleaned up. I'll stay with him for a while."

Dean nodded and left the room as Sam took up the vigil by Cas' side. He cleaned up first, taking a quick shower and bandaging the wounds that were still bleeding, then went to the kitchen and poured some of the soup Sam had heated up. He was just going to put the first spoonful to his lips when a breeze ruffled his hair and he looked up, seeing Gabriel standing there, a dark glower on his face.

"What?" Dean demanded, annoyance building up inside of him. "Are you going to beat me up some more? Hm? Make me feel worse about myself than I already do?"

"As much as I'd love to kick your sorry ass into next week, I just don't think it would make the point I'm looking for," Gabriel told him as Dean looked at him incredulously. "You know why Cas isn't healing, don't you?" he added, snapping.

"Because Lucifer depleted his mojo," Dean said.

"Partly. But it's mostly because he doesn't want to get better; he's blocking me too. He thinks his sacrifice for you and your brother is a noble one, that he was meant to die in this battle—a brave idiotic death for the greater good like he's Spock or something—and I doubt he's even seen that one."

"Yeah, he told me that," Dean gritted out, his hand tightening around his spoon.

"You don't get it, do you?" Gabriel demanded. "You have no idea! You have no idea how messed up that kid's head is, and it's all because of you!"

Dean stood up, fury rushing through him. "Cas is my friend, he's like a brother to me, how dare you—"

"How dare I what? Mention how little you've done for him in the last few years, which were probably the hardest of his life? How you ignored him or threw him out when he needed you the most? Or, even better, how you don't think of him until you need something? Oh I dare, Dean-o, I dare to say all of that, so what are you going to do to me now, you gutless dick?"

Dean might have swung at him if Sam hadn't shown up.

"Woah, guys, what's going on?" he demanded.

Gabriel turned to him with a smile that was all danger. "Oh good, Gigantor is here too. Now that we have both Dumb and Dumber, how about we take a little trip down memory lane. Hit some of the highlights and play a little game of 'what would you do'?"

"What are you talking about?" Dean demanded.

"You'll see soon enough," Gabriel told him and raised a hand to snap his fingers. Dean didn't have time to open his mouth again before everything was suddenly black.

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Gabriel had been reluctant to leave before he was sure Castiel was still alive or not, but he hadn't really had another choice. He had to lock Lucifer down while he was still vulnerable and weakened from the fight, and before he could wreak any more havoc than he already had. Besides, he couldn't exactly let the Winchesters and his baby bro see that he was going soft—or whatever. He just hoped he still had a baby bro to defend himself to after all was said and done._

_Lucifer had started chuckling to himself, annoying Gabriel more than he wanted to admit as he hauled him down the long corridor that would lead to the cage—now fully repaired and unreachable again. He tried to ignore the other angel but finally, took the bait._

_"Alright, chuckles, I'm glad you find it funny you're going to be locked up for all eternity, but it's really starting to wear like a pair of wet leather pants."_

_"Oh, little brother, you call yourself the Trickster but you never could stand it when the joke's on you." Lucifer smiled._

_Gabriel shoved him harder so that he stumbled. "Joke's on me, huh? I'm not the one going back to the cage."_

_"No, true, but you don't know the half of what went on back when you were dead and poor Castiel, who you seem to care about quite a bit, was all alone, hunted by heaven and just wanting to belong somewhere. Just wanting to be loved."_

_"He's still alive, that's what matters." Gabriel replied shortly, ignoring Lucifer's satisfied smirk._

_"Maybe for now, but how long do you really think that will last? In fact, he might have expired by now, it's not like the Winchesters are going to do anything about it."_

_"What are you talking about? I know they're kind of self-centered dicks at times, but they're the only friends he has," Gabriel said._

_"You don't get it, do you? I was in Castiel's head, I saw everything while I was in there, the pain, the longing to belong, not only back in heaven, but among the humans—with Sam and Dean. And boy, getting to be part of that exclusive club is hard, let me tell you. No, there's a reason Castiel said yes to me, and it wasn't to be a hero. It was because he thought he was a suitable sacrifice. I tell you what, baby bro, that kid is nine kinds of messed up. And this is coming from someone who spent a considerable amount of intimate time in the walking shrink's nightmare that is Sam Winchester."_

_Gabriel was silent, continuing on but he had a hard knot in his gut, fearing that there was a good dose of truth in Lucifer's words as much as he hated to admit it. "Well, Castiel doesn't give up that easy. Now, you've got some explaining to do, Luci, so let's get you back into the cage so you can spend a good long time thinking about what you've done."_

_"You're not even curious?" Lucifer asked with a laugh. "Really? Soft-hearted Gabriel who always loved looking after the fledglings and playing games with them instead of doing his duties as an archangel; the one they all loved, the one little Cassie especially looked up to, you don't even want to know what he's gone through? What Sam and Dean did to him? Because, man, the psychological damage alone would be enough to put anyone into a position where they would, oh I don't know, let the devil ride around inside them for a while on a suicide mission to save the world even when they knew the consequences would most definitely be death. And there was plenty of physical damage as well, whether indirectly or intentional—does it really matter in the long run?"_

_Gabriel slammed him against the wall and was angry when he saw the pleased gleam in Lucifer's eyes, knowing he had gotten a rise out of Gabriel, exactly as planned. "If you're lying, I want you to understand that I can make your eternal stay in the cage a hell of a lot more uncomfortable."_

_"Oh, I'm not lying, Gabriel," Lucifer said with a solemn pout. "Cross my heart and hope to live forever in torment. You wanna see baby brother's psych eval?"_

_Before he could reply, Lucifer raised his bound hands and pressed two fingers to Gabriel's forehead. Gabriel staggered back, instantly assaulted by painful images flashing before his eyes. Turmoil in Heaven, Castiel trying to keep it together, working with Crowley, killing angels against his will, getting thrown around by Rafael, and then Leviathans, dying, coming back alone without his memories. Transferring Lucifer's hold on Sam to himself, weeks spent in a mental hospital, then roaming Purgatory. And that wasn't even the worst. There were months of torture at the hands of Naomi, who Gabriel had always hated. Cas being molded into the perfect angel again, being ostracized by the Winchesters who didn't trust him anymore, wouldn't help him even when he asked; then his grace being cut out, thrown out of heaven, wandering human and alone, cold, hungry, being tortured by a reaper, stabbed. Then Dean kicking him out of the bunker, more hopeless roaming. More torture, stealing an angel's grace. The images blurred, going faster and faster. Grace burning out, dying, he was dying again, Sam was ordering him to help with Dean, getting the Mark off of him. Fists, blood, trying to stop Dean, but then he was on the ground his blade raised over him, he was going to die again…Rowena's spell, urge to kill, a plea for help, more torture, pain, worthless, weak, he couldn't leave the bunker, too weak, an angel telling him that he wasn't a hero, he was expendable, expendable, expendable._

_Gabriel finally resurfaced from the visions—memories, memories that belonged to Castiel—and just watched Lucifer grinning at him and laughing._

_"Pretty bad, huh? Downright certifiable. Don't say I didn't warn you."_

_Gabriel didn't say anything, his anger raging through him in a way he hadn't felt in a long time. Angry at what had happened to Cas, one of his favorite brothers, a kid he had always felt had taken after his own heart; a bit of a rebel but with his heart in the right place. A better angel than Gabriel had ever been. Angry that he had trusted the Winchesters to take care of him when he was gone, to be his family. They had seemed tight back then, but apparently a lot had happened since the apocalypse. But most of all, he was angry that he hadn't been there to protect Cas. To make sure he didn't feel the way he obviously felt now, and no wonder he felt that way. No one had given him reason to think otherwise. He grabbed Lucifer and silently forced him down the hall unable to forget what he had seen. When they finally got to the cage he opened the door that would be sealed afterward, for good. Lucifer sighed._

_"Well, I guess this is it," Lucifer said. "You gonna think about what I told you?"_

_"It's none of your business," Gabriel told him._

_"Just trying to help," Lucifer said with a fake pout and a shrug._

_"Whatevs, bro," Gabriel replied as nonchalantly as possible and snapped his fingers, putting Lucifer into a straitjacket. The devil rolled his eyes._

_"Really? This isn't a little, you know, nutcase, padded walls, to you?"_

_"Brother, you passed through crazy town a long time ago, you should be grateful I'm not giving you a Lecter muzzle," Gabriel told him. "Now get your ass in there before I kick it. By the way, hope you like the pocket dimension I left you. Laters." Gabriel smiled and shoved Lucifer into the cage, sealing it behind him with powerful sigils that would never be broken again. Then he sent the cage back to the deepest part of the pit._

_He should have been happy for the victory they had just had as he went back topside, but all he could think about was Castiel and how he was going to make sure the Winchesters knew exactly how unhappy he was with them about how they had treated his little brother._

_Looked like they were going to need a little Trickster treatment again._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam and Dean blinked several times as they landed, looking around, confused as to what exactly had happened. They seemed to be in some sort of blank room without any color or distinction. They turned to each other with questioning gazes, then spun around as Gabriel spoke up behind them.

"Well, thank you for joining me, gentlemen. I suppose you're wondering why you're here."

"Where exactly is here?" Sam asked cautiously, obviously not excited about the prospect of being at the mercy of anything the former Trickster had up his sleeve.

"Just a little holding space, nothing too exciting," Gabriel replied.

Dean glared at the archangel. "What the hell is this? I am so not in the mood for your little games at the moment."

Gabriel pinched his fingers together in a motion to shut up. "Oh, you think this is a game? Well, you're in for a surprise then, Deano, because this is anything but a game."

"So what about Cas? You're just gonna leave him back there?"

"Don't worry, I got a psychic connection going on with baby bro, I'll know if he makes a change for the worse," Gabriel tapped the side of his had, but his eyes were all steely, fiery with anger. "And don't pretend you suddenly care about him so much."

Dean sputtered as Sam angrily stepped forward. "Don't care? Cas is our friend, of course we care what happens to him!"

"Really?" Gabriel asked skeptically, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well, I think differently—in fact, spoiler alert, that's kind of what this whole thing is about." He ignored their questioning glares and continued. "Now, I don't give two craps about whether you two purposefully ignore and neglect him or you just do it because you're so wrapped up in saving each other and saving the world—that's something you can work out in your own head. Something still needs to give, and I'm going to give it to you by force if I have to. Be your conscious, or whatever."

"What are you talking about?" Dean demanded.

Gabriel sighed and rolled his eyes. "Boy, you two are just as dense as the day we met, at least you still have your looks—mostly. Okay, let me spell it out for you. It may not have come to your attention but Cas is messed up bad and he may not survive this one if he doesn't have reason to. So it's my job to get you two to give him that and as soon as he wakes up, you two dipsticks are going to apologize for all the wrongs you did him. And not just because I will petrify your asses Medusa style in the nude as public statuary if you don't, but because you genuinely feel bad for all the wrongs you've done to your guardian and self-professed 'best friend' over the years."

"What wrongs?" Sam asked as Dean still had his eyes bugged out about the 'public statuary' threat. "I mean, sure we've all had our rough patches, but we always make it through."

"And that there proves my point exactly," Gabriel announced. "Since you two are so ignorant of your sins I have to take it upon myself—again—to show you where you went wrong and teach you a lesson."

Dean swallowed nervously. They both knew the kind of lessons the Trickster was inclined to teach. "Okay, so you give us a little It's a Wonderful Life clip show and we apologize?"

"Something like that." Gabriel cocked his head. "To put it mildly."

"And no getting hit in the nuts?" Dean demanded.

"Only if you keep brushing this off like you just did," Gabriel raised an eyebrow.

Dean glared, but Sam stepped forward. "Look, Gabriel, we want to help Cas in whatever way we can, okay? But is this really necessary?"

The fire returned to Gabriel's eyes. "Oh, sure. Little Sammy Winchester—the empathetic one, always willing to make things better but rarely going that extra step. Well, kiddo, it wasn't just big bro who erred here. You'll see well enough that you're just as much to blame for Castiel's predicament as he is. Now, enough chatting, Cas doesn't have long and I've got to pound this into your heads, which with your rocks-for-brains condition is a job that takes a master mason, let me tell you. Lucky for Cassie, I am one. So. Sam and Dean Winchester, this is your life."

He snapped his fingers again and they were standing in a forest, in the dark. The brothers looked around, frowning.

"Where are we?" Dean asked.

"Thought I would start off with this first, actually one of the more recent events on our tour of shame, so you know what Cas was thinking when he said the big yes," Gabriel told them. "By the way, boys, standard rules apply. Can't touch, can't change things, you are only here to observe. Just think of this as a personal 3D theater playing highlights straight from Castiel's brain." He nodded his head off to one side. "Eyes forward, here we go."

Sam and Dean turned where he had gestured and watched as Cas appeared with what they figured was another angel, a short, somewhat nerdy looking female who seemed kind of flighty for a warrior of heaven.

"This is when Castiel went to check that Amara was dead after the angel smiting," Gabriel explained to them. "His little friend there is Ambriel from birth-death statistics. A paper-pusher. Typically not who they send for this kind of thing, but, ya know, times are tight."

"I never wanted this, you know," Cas was saying as they made their way through the woods. "To be…hated by my own kind."

"Oh, no, I don't hate you, Castiel," Ambriel said quickly.

"Thank you," Cas replied tiredly, sounding like he didn't actually believe her.

"I mean," she continued, "we have a lot in common. Our names rhyme—that's a big one. I look good in a trench coat too; and—we're both expendable." She shrugged.

"Excuse me?" Cas frowned.

"Oh, well, that's why we're here, right? I'm a number cruncher and you, like I've said; I've heard the stories. You help, but Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes. So if the Darkness is still alive and she's pissed, and she…kills us, no big loss." She shrugged again. "So sure, maybe we're not super important, but we do the job."

Cas looked down at his feet, not saying anything.

"You know. I think there's nobility in that," Ambriel told him, then started to walk away, before realizing Cas wasn't following her. "You coming?"

"Yeah, I'll…catch up," Cas said quietly.

Dean shrugged. "So what, he's going to listen to some off-hand comment from a nerd angel? Cas is smarter than that."

Gabriel gave him a withering look. "Of course he's smarter, douchewad, but it doesn't help when someone voices what is already in your head. There was also this." He spun his finger in a fast-forwarding motion and the scenery blurred around them until it was light again, and Cas was facing Amara, his angel blade held in his hand.

"You think I'm afraid to die?" he asked her as she advanced on him.

"I know you are," she said, still coming forward. "You reek of fear and self loathing."

Castiel moved, stabbing the knife down toward her, before she caught his wrist. "Ooh, scary," she said sarcastically, before throwing him backwards against a tree. Cas landed hard, winded, looking back at Amara.

"She's right, you know. You are expendable," the Darkness said advancing on him again. "And weak. And why God took a special interest in you, I'll never understand. My brother always did have horrible taste in men." She crouched down at eye level as Cas tried to get up to fight again, glaring at the Darkness.

"Just do it," he ground out.

Amara reached out and stroked his cheek, shaking her head. "Blue eyes, you aren't even worth the effort. And, no offence, but you look a bit used up. Plus, I have a job for you." She pressed a hand to his chest and light engulfed him, making Cas scream in pain as he vanished.

Gabriel stopped the image there before turning back to the Winchesters.

"See that? Just a few little words, not even terribly important ones, and they all culminated into one big mistake where poor Cas thought he was only around as a scapegoat; someone to take the fall, to do the thing he knew you two wouldn't let the other try. To say yes to the devil himself—practically as good as committing suicide but in a much slower and more painful way."

"But why would he think that?" Sam demanded. "I mean, why would he listen to Amara and that angel. He should know he's not expendable."

"Should he?" Gabriel raised an eyebrow. "Because, I don't really get a real positive reinforcement vibe coming from you two. Trust me, boys, there is a reason Cas believed them when they voiced it. Voiced probably one of the few things the kid is actually afraid of, and he was so screwed up, that he actually believed it. Plus, after his freak out with the spell Rowena cast on him, the real reason he sat around binge-watching his life away was because he could hardly make it out the door without having a mental breakdown. The kid was suffering from PTSD and you didn't even notice, just called him out to help you again when he was in no fit state to do so, scared to death that he would go crazy and hurt someone again like he has so many times in the past because of mistakes you all made together."

Sam swallowed hard furrowing his brow. "He never…I mean, I saw he was pretty upset about it, but I just didn't think..."

"Because he's an angel and they have no human emotions?" Gabriel asked flatly. "You two dunce buckets were the ones who taught him human emotions in the first place. I bet you don't know half of what he suffered, do you? Well, trust me, I'll make sure you know what I'm talking about as we go along. Highlight stuff, commentate, that sort of thing. Gabriel's Guide to Making Your Friends Feel Wanted for Dummies. And boy, are your lives textbook as to what not to do."

Sam and Dean looked at each other without really knowing what to think. While neither of them exactly approved of Gabriel's methods, maybe they had missed a lot of things with Cas. Maybe they had been treating him badly without even realizing it.

"There's no getting off this ride either way, boys, so you can either come quietly or kicking and screaming, I don't really care either way," Gabriel told them.

"All right, fine," Dean said. "I guess we don't have any other choice but to hear you out." He didn't want to admit he was actually horrified to think of what Gabriel might pull up for them to look at. He was already feeling bad enough about how he had treated Cas just earlier that day; he was definitely not looking forward to seeing his greatest hits.

"Great! Won't have to waste the duct tape then." Gabriel clapped his hands together. "Now, I think we need to take a little trip to the era post-apocalypse. From what I gather, this is where the problems really started." Gabriel snapped his fingers and before Sam and Dean could say anything they had been transported to another time. Again.


	3. Chapter 3

This time they found themselves in a parking lot of a generic motel like the kind they stayed in regularly. Sam and Dean looked around, the elder brother raising his hands in an impatient gesture.

"Okay, so what now?" Sam asked the archangel before Dean could come up with something more insulting. "You go all Ghost of Christmas Past and show us what we did wrong?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Gabriel said. "Though a little more hard hitting than those old geezers. I pack more punch than any holiday spirit, let me tell you."

"Oh, trust me, we know," Dean replied. "So what do you want to show us first?"

"That's the difficult question, so many instances to choose from. You know they're all seared into Cas' memory, right? Kind of like that drunken tattoo that you totally regret when you turn sober—your decision, but you can't get rid of it! You probably forgot all these little conversations, but he didn't. He remembered every one of them, because they obviously hurt him. It was a mess trying to pick out the most significant ones for my little clip show to make sure they drove home into you two mud-monkeys' noggins. I hope you appreciate the trouble I went to when this is all over."

"Then maybe you should stop chatting and get to the point," Dean groused as Gabriel shot him a look.

"We can finish this without the use of your tongue, you know."

Dean snapped his mouth shut indignantly and crossed his arms over his chest. Gabriel waved them forward and they followed reluctantly toward one of the motel doors, which opened into one of the many grungy rooms they had stayed in over the years. Dean sat on the bed with the laptop in his lap, researching while he self-medicated with whisky.

"Remember this? This is when you were hunting Veritas, the goddess of truth, and you were just figuring out that something whacky was going on with Gigantor." Gabriel told them. "By the way, drinking at noon on the job, Dean? I guess you always did live by the phrase 'it's five o'clock somewhere'."

"Yes, I remember," Dean grunted. "What does this have to do with Cas?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes and nodded to one side. "Just watch."

The memory Dean sighed in frustration. "Castiel, hello. Possible loose nuke down here, angelic weapon, kind of your department." He closed the laptop and stood. "You hear that, Cas?" As he turned Castiel appeared, leaning against the counter at one side of the room, looking exhausted. More so than Dean had remembered.

"Hello, Dean," the angel said quietly.

"Are you kidding me?" Dean demanded, anger clouding his face. "I have been on red-alert about Sam and you come for some stupid horn?"

"You asked me to be here, and I came—"

"I've been asking you to be here for days, you dick!" Dean yelled, cutting him off.

Cas looked hurt for a moment before he schooled his features back to normal. "I didn't come about Sam, because I have nothing to offer about Sam."

"Well that's great because for all we know he's just giftwrap for Lucifer!"

Dean watched the scene play out now, and couldn't deny the uncomfortable twist in his gut. He never liked having his failings thrown into his face, but actually watching it back like a video was worse. It seemed so much harsher than he was sure he had meant it at the time. He had just been tired, scared for Sam, right? Cas had just been the one who ended up in the line of fire. Kind of like earlier that day. He shook his head and turned back to the scene.

"No, he's…" Cas continued, grabbing the bottle of whisky for Dean, "he's not Lucifer."

"And how do you know that?" Dean demanded.

Castiel poured more liquor into his cup. "If Lucifer escaped the cage we'd feel it."

"What is wrong with him?" Dean asked quietly.

"I don't know, Dean, I'm sorry," Cas replied.

"What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one."

Cas shook his head slowly before turning his back to the hunter. "I'm at war. Certain…regrettable...things are required of me."

Dean drank some more, not saying anything, turning his back too.

"Dean," Cas said.

"What?"

"About your brother, I…I don't know what's wrong with him, but I do want to help. I'll make inquiries."

Dean turned around, but the angel was gone. He sighed. "Yeah, thanks."

Gabriel stopped the scene. Dean swallowed hard, unable to meet his brother's eyes as he could feel Sam staring at him.

"You were always so willing to call him when you needed him," Gabriel said, shaking his head. "Never asked him to have drinks with you or to see how it was going up in heaven, a little how ya doing, just always 'Cas, come fix our problems, we're too incompetent to help ourselves'." He mimed Dean's voice badly, causing the elder Winchester's face to flame in indignation. "Honestly, I'm surprised you two can wipe your own butts."

"It's not like he ever really stuck around," Dean said defensively, knowing it was a poor excuse.

"Look how exhausted he is," Gabriel 're-wound' the scene and gestured to Cas when he first appeared. "He was fighting a civil war—against angels he once viewed as his family—and you couldn't even ask if he needed help, even just something from the cheering section, a little emotional support at least. He even offered to help with your mental case brother, do whatever he could, on the side of everything else."

Dean swallowed hard. "Yeah, I know."

"Do you?" Gabriel cocked his head to one side. "Here's another stunning example of just how much you care about others." He snapped his fingers again and they were now in the place that Samuel Campbell had set up shop with his hunting gang, in his 'office'. Sam and Dean and Cas all stood there with Samuel, discussing how to get Sam's soul back.

"I'm here to help, of course," Samuel was saying. "What leads are you working?"

"A bunch of dead ends, and you," Sam said as Castiel looked out a window as if hearing something.

"Well, then we'll just have to dig," Samuel said.

"Sam, Dean," Cas turned back around. "I have to get back."

"You're leaving?" Dean asked incredulously.

"I'm in the middle of a civil war," Cas replied firmly.

"You better tear the attic up, find something to help Sam." Dean's voice didn't leave much room for protest.

"Of course," Cas said, narrowing his eyes. "Your problems always come first. I'll be in touch." And then he was gone.

Gabriel paused it again giving a low wistle. "Now, Cas was never really one for sarcasm, but at least here he tried to get his point across.

"We would have helped him," Sam said, shaking his head. "But he never told us what was going on. Not really."

"And would you have cared even if he had?" Gabriel demanded.

"He lied to our faces about getting Sam out of the cage!" Dean suddenly snapped. "From the get-go; he should have been straight with us about that at least."

"And he had just barely realized that he had left Samdroid there without his personality chip, would you have fessed up? I don't think so!"

"Still, he should have told us," Sam agreed. "It would have fixed a whole bunch of problems."

"Well, duh," Gabriel said, rolling his eyes. "But when do you losers ever do anything the right way without going behind each other's backs? Here's another clip to show you why he probably gave up the idea you guys might have even an inkling of interest in helping him at all."

The scene changed to Sam standing out in an old lot outside the place they were squatting at the time, praying to Cas about the "Ark of the Covenant."

Cas appeared behind him. "I'm here, Sam. Where's the box?"

"I can't believe you fell for that," Sam said. "That was the plot of Raiders, idiot."

Cas shuffled in annoyance. "I am mid-battle, Sam."

"I could give a rat's ass about your little pissing match with Raphael."

"Listen to me, Sam—"

"No, you listen!" Sam cut him off. "I don't care what you're dealing with up in heaven, you owe me."

"You may not care, but believe me—"

"I'm sorry, do you think we're here to talk this out?" Sam snapped, rudely cutting him off again.

"Sam, I can't just—"

"If you don't help us, I will hunt you down and kill you," Sam said coldly.

Cas stared at him, his eyes cold as steel as he strode over to Sam. "Will you, boy? How?"

"I don't know yet, but I will look until I find out, and I don't sleep."

Cas shook his head. "You need help, Sam."

"I need your help," Sam told him firmly.

Gabriel turned to the boys. "Boy, and I didn't think anyone could be more abrasive than Dean. Way to treat one of your only friends who had recently gone to hell to drag your worthless ass out, Sam."

"I was soulless!" Sam protested indignantly. "I didn't think about anything but the mission; believe me, I regret everything I did back then."

Gabriel mimed being hard of hearing, wagging his finger at his ear. "You're talking, but all I'm hearing are excuses, Sammy-boy."

"Okay, I'll admit that we were a little brief with Cas at the time," Dean said, holding out his hand to stop the argument. "But I was trying to get Sam's soul back, and it really isn't fair to throw one of his soulless moments into this. Cas understood the situation, he wouldn't have taken that to heart. He knew it wasn't the real Sam talking."

"You too with the excuses, Dean?" Gabriel tsked. "Okay, so I may have thrown that one in as a personal favorite. But this one is definitely an important one. This one is where Castiel finally decides to ask you for help, which, spoiler alert, big mistake on his part."

They were suddenly in an old warehouse. Dean was interrogating a demon, but as he stepped over the trap, his wet boot scuffed it, breaking the sigil. The demon spent no time in attacking, throwing Dean backward against an old van and grabbing him by the throat.

Dean winced at the memory of this event, and watched as Cas materialized and shoved a hand against the back of the demon's head, smiting him in a burst of bright light. Dean gasped, a hand at his throat as the demon fell to the ground, revealing the angel to him. They stared at each other silently, judgingly, for a long moment.

"I didn't ask for your help," Dean finally panted.

"Well, regardless, you're welcome," Cas replied.

"Why are you here?" Dean asked as he walked away, bending to inspect the broken trap.

"I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben," Cas told him.

"Yeah right."

"You don't believe me?"

"I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth," Dean replied wryly.

Cas looked down regretfully. "I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that too; shouldn't trust run both ways?"

"Cas, I just can't," Dean shook his head.

"Dean," Cas said almost pleadingly as he crossed the room to the elder Winchester. "I do everything you ask, I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again." He looked up at the hunter. "Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?" Dean couldn't meet his eyes. "All I ask is your trust in this one thing."

"Your plan to pop Purgatory?" Dean asked unbelievingly.

"I earned that, Dean."

Dean just shook his head.

"I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben, and I will bring them back." He hesitated, meeting Dean's eyes. "Stand behind me, the one time I ask."

"You're asking me to stand down?" Dean demanded with a frown.

"Dean…"

"That's the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me; you know that, right?"

Cas was silent, not knowing what to reply.

"Well, no thanks. I'll find them myself. In fact, why don't you go back to Crowley and tell you can both kiss my ass." He turned his back and Cas watched him walk away before he cast his eyes down with regret and disappeared.

"Okay," Dean said, turning to Gabriel before the archangel could lecture. "I know, if I had just helped him, it probably would have fixed a whole ton of problems. But I honestly thought he'd had a hand in taking Lisa and Ben." Even now, Dean stumbled over their names, but he would be damned before he let the winged dick see that.

"And you should have known better," Gabriel admonished. "You of all people, Dean. I mean, you were the one to defend him to Bobby and Sam in the first place, when you suspected he was going dark side, you even told him he was like a brother to you, and he would have known how much weight that word has to you. But did you ever treat him like you treat Sam? No! He asked you to stand down because he was afraid Crowley was going to kill you anyway even though he said he wouldn't. And probably a good bit because he was afraid of what you would think of him for what he was about to do. Because he firmly believed it was the only way to win the war in heaven and he knew what you two would have to say about swallowing a soul power shake."

"All right," Dean nodded darkly. "I'll admit to being a dick there. And yeah, we probably would have talked him out of it, but it did end up doing more harm than good anyway, right?"

"Not the point. You never did get how bad it really was up there," Gabriel told them, as they found themselves in a stately room where Castiel was standing in front of Raphael who was sitting in a chair nonchalantly as if he didn't give a crap about what the lesser angel was saying to him. Knowing what he did about the feathered douchebag, Dean figured he probably didn't.

"Ken Lay's heaven—awesome, right? I can see why Raphael chose it to hang out in," Gabriel explained sarcastically, waving a hand around the room. "Here's the part I want you to pay attention to though. This is when Cas first stepped up to voice the problems heaven was having. Standing up to Raphael, which is not a good idea—the guy has a real stick up his ass problem."

"What do you want?" Castiel asked Raphael as he took a seat in a chair opposite the archangel.

"Tomorrow I've called for a full assembly of the holy host," Raphael told him. "You'll kneel before me and pledge allegiance to the flag, all right?"

"And what flag is that?" Cas asked.

"Me, Castiel," Raphael said boredly as if he were speaking to an idiot. "Allegiance to me."

"Are you joking?" Cas demanded.

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"You never look like you're joking," Cas admitted.

"You rebelled, against God, heaven, and me, now you will atone. We'll start by freeing Lucifer and Michael from their cage. Then we'll get our show back on the road."

Here Sam and Dean cast a horrified glance at each other. Had Raphael really wanted to do that? Cas had told them he would have started the apocalypse all over again, but they hadn't figured in that Michael and Lucifer would be front and center again.

"Raphael," Cas said, looking up to meet the archangel's eyes. "No. The apocalypse doesn't have to be fought."

"Of course it does, it's God's will."

"How can you say that?"

"Because it's what I want," Raphael replied simply.

"Well, the other angels won't let you."

"Are you sure? You know more than anyone, Castiel, they are soldiers, they weren't built for freedom, they were built to follow."

Castiel stared him down for a long moment, getting back to his feet, looking down at Raphael. "Then I won't let you."

"Really?" the archangel asked incredulously, not seeming to be phased at all. "You." He held up his hand.

There was then a blinding white light and they were transported to a grassy field outside somewhere where they watched as Raphael, gripping Castiel by the back of his coat, threw the lesser angel to the ground and kicked him about five feet. Cas rolled and struggled to his knees before Raphael was on top of him, leveling punches at his face and kicking him mercilessly in the stomach, punctuating each word with a blow.

"You will show me some respect, you filthy little cur!" Raphael snarled, yanking Cas' head up to look at him. "I told you I would put you on your knees, brother."

He kicked Cas one last time, so hard, he flew backwards several yards and landed in a heap in the grass. He curled in on himself, choking up blood and obviously trying to hold back a moan as he wreathed in agony, looking up with fear in his eyes as Raphael stood over him, more angels at his back, watching his humiliation.

"Tomorrow you kneel, Castiel," Raphael told him. "Or you and anyone with you dies."

"You see, this is what happens when you try to give angels free will, and try to make a better working environment," Gabriel said with false lightness. "They throw it in your face and get you in trouble with the little suck-up acting boss. Cas never wanted to be a leader. He only stood up because no one else would, because he knew what was going on with Raphael was wrong. He just wanted peace for his people and his home."

"I only wished he had told us," Dean said, his jaw tight as he watched Raphael leave his beaten brother lying, coughing blood onto the ground. "We could have helped him if he had told us what was really going on to begin with instead of letting it escalate to making a deal with Crowley of all people." Sam nodded agreement.

"Sound familiar?" As Sam and Dean cast their eyes downward, Gabriel sighed in exasperation. "Come on, guys, do I have to spell it out for you? Cas never came to you with his problems because every time he did, you dismissed him, saying you had 'bigger' problems to deal with, and pretty much saying his didn't matter. It's no wonder he thought he was a burden. You only ever treated him like extra baggage! I mean, you even trapped him in holy fire to interrogate him, accused him of leaving Sam's soul in hell on purpose! Now, I'm a little rusty with the whole friendship thing, but I'm pretty sure that's a huge no-no on the BFF front."

Sam and Dean shared an uncomfortable look and Gabriel clapped his hands together.

"So, questions, comments, concerns?" the archangel asked as they continued to stare silently. "Okay, then, I guess we move on to Exhibit B." And with that, they were off again.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, still in the strain of 'times we didn't help Cas and nearly broke the world', let's check some of these out," Gabriel told them as they appeared in the parking lot of an abandoned church—the one Sam had attempted to turn Crowley human in, thus completing the Trials to close hell. Sam looked uncomfortable at the memory. This had been the beginning of one of the worst times in his relationship with Dean, but he reminded himself this was about Cas.

They watched as Dean opened the trunk of the Impala, rummaging around when Cas appeared.

"Dean, I need your help," he said.

Dean jumped at his sudden appearance, shaking his head. "I'm a little busy, Cas, take a number."

"I'm afraid this can't wait, Naomi has taken Metatron."

Dean looked up frowning. "And you know Metatron how?"

"I've been working with him on the angel trials."

"The what?"

"We can shut it all down. Heaven, Hell all of it."

Dean interrupted, turning to Gabriel. "I did help him, I left Sam doing those crazy-ass trials and went to sit in a bar for hours waiting for a stupid cupid to show!"

"Oh, this is just a little backstory. Sure you helped, but if you had gotten in on this in the first place, given him reason to trust you by trusting him in return, then you probably would have been able to figure out Metatron was playing all of you and stop him throwing the angels off the high rise. Because ya know what? You two have the worst track record of apologizing. I mean, it's not gonna burn your tongues off." Gabriel shook his head. "Only second to that, is how gracious you are when you're accepting Cas' apologies. Here's another glowing example."

They were in the bunker now watching as Sam sat at the table in the library, staring morosely at the 'breakfast' Dean had brought him. "A half drunk beer, jerky, and three peanut butter cups?"

"We're running low," Dean told him. "I'll make a run."

Cas watched him from the side as he grabbed his jacket. "I'll go with you, Dean," he said but the elder Winchester ignored him. "Dean? I'm sorry."

"For what?" Dean asked, turning around.

Cas floundered for words. "For everything."

"Everything," Dean said dryly. "Like, uh, like ignoring us?"

"Yes," Cas said.

"And like bolting off with the angel tablet and then losing it?" Cas cast his eyes down. "Because you didn't trust me? You didn't trust me?"

Cas hesitated, then said, "Yes."

"Yeah, no, that's not gonna cut it. Not this time," Dean said. "So you can take your little apology and cram it up your ass."

"Dean," Cas tried again. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Yeah," Dean replied ruefully. "You always do."

"And that's not the only time," Gabriel told them, stopping the scene and switching to another. "How about after Cas decided he wanted to be God and slurped up the Purgatory power shake? He was about to die and you couldn't even spare one small 'I forgive you'."

Sam and Dean turned to watch the new scene playing out, their jaws set tightly as they guessed what they were going to see. Sam didn't remember much at all about it, having had Lucifer riding shotgun at the time, but Dean did, and he knew he wasn't going to like it.

They were in Crowley's laboratory. Cas sat against a set of drawers, covered in blood, and fading fast, unable to even stand anymore while the Leviathans writhed inside of him, threatening to burst out. He looked horrible, like he was going to keel over any minute. Dean was looking around for what they needed, clearing a spot to trace the sigil on the wall.

"Dean?" Cas croaked.

"What, you need something else?" Dean asked shortly.

"No," Cas replied, breathing heavily. "I feel regret. About you and what I did to Sam."

"Yeah, well you should," Dean said, going back to work.

"If there was time, if I was strong enough, I would fix him now. I just wanted to make amends before I die."

Dean sighed tiredly. "Okay."

"Is it working?" Cas asked, like he was still holding onto some small hope that he might find forgiveness from his friend. Because he should have, right?

"Does it make you feel better?" Dean asked.

"No," Cas replied sadly. "You?"

"Not a bit," Dean said firmly.

Gabriel shook his head. "You couldn't even forgive him when he was dying," he said. "You knew that wasn't really Cas going postal all over the place. I mean, part of it was sure, but most of it was the influence of the power and the Leviathans, especially at the end. But there was a part of him that still believed he was doing the right thing, and just got corrupted. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. It all went to his head."

"He would have broke the world if we let him continue," Dean said.

Gabriel cocked his head to one side. "Actually, he was doing a pretty damn good job of cleaning it up. He would have killed you two though, most likely. And I'm sure that was what you were most worried about." He glared as Dean opened his mouth to say something. "Not yet, we're not done yet. Let's move on to the next one. You wanna know what happened after you got barfed from Purgatory?"

"I know what happened, Cas told me that," Dean said. "I know he let go. I thought I had lost him, but he stayed on purpose, to do his penance crap."

Gabriel's eyes flashed in anger. "That don't make it right, Deano. You didn't have to let go. Leave no man behind right? I mean, come on, you brought your new BFF Benny out with you, and not Cas? I kinda think you deserve Sam leaving you rotting there for months. You didn't have to leave Castiel like that. Like this." He waved a hand and they were somewhere in Purgatory, Dean recognized it as the place where the portal was. He saw the weird rip between worlds, and himself standing in front of it, fighting against the vortex that was threatening to suck him in, reaching out to Cas who was slipping down the hill.

"Cas! Come on!" Dean shouted, scrambling for a grip on the angel's wrist. "I've got you, hold on!"

Dean swallowed hard as he watched the next bit as Cas seemed to give up, even though he knew the truth of that now, sliding back and releasing the hunter's hand. "Dean, go!"

"Cas!" Dean shouted before he was gone, swallowed by the portal.

Cas turned, looking around frantically as the Leviathans started to appear, dropping out of the sky in black blobs and forming into human shapes. They surrounded him and he fought back as well as he could, but they overwhelmed him, beating him mercilessly and forcing him to the ground to where he could barely move, as they prepared to tear him apart and probably eat him.

"Cas," Sam breathed, watching the scene, his hands fisting at his sides, his stance tense, mirroring Dean's as they fought their instincts to run into the fray to fight, saving their friend. The old surge of adrenaline Dean had lived with during his time in Purgatory came back to him, hard to shake.

All of a sudden, a bright light appeared and three angels materialized in a rush of flapping wings, they tore into the Leviathans, beating them back and unearthing Cas from their midst, grabbing him by the arms and disappearing to the dismay of the monsters still out for the angel's blood.

"He thought he was rescued," Gabriel said. "The next part, he doesn't remember consciously, Naomi made sure to wipe that, but Lucifer seemed to have traveled deeper into his subconscious than even Cas went."

He snapped his fingers again and they were standing in the corner of a spotless, modern office room with a desk and several chairs for an audience with whoever worked there. Dean looked at the chair behind the desk and bit back a snarl of contempt, seeing Naomi sitting there.

The doors to the office opened and she looked up from what she had been doing, standing as the angels who had rescued Cas from Purgatory pulled him into the room. Cas was so weary he sagged, unable to keep his own feet. He looked around, bewildered before he was deposited into a chair.

"Th-Thank you, brothers," Castiel said gratefully, breathing heavily, looking down at his hands as if unsure how he was still alive.

"Castiel, it's good to have you back with us."

Cas looked up at Naomi as she gave him a falsely kind smile. "I—do I know you?"

"Probably not, I'm Naomi," she said.

He looked around again. "Why—why did you save me? I thought I was meant to stay there, to do my penance…"

"Oh, no, Castiel," Naomi said quickly. "No, you are needed here, we have a very important job for you."

"You do?" he asked. "But I thought…"

"It doesn't matter." She shook her head and smiled. "There are few who could do what we need. We needed you, Castiel."

"What for?"

"You'll find out soon enough." She touched his forehead and he disappeared.

Gabriel paused the memory. "This is when you found him looking like roadkill wandering out in the middle of nowhere. We'll fast forward through that to when he was forced to report back to Naomi."

Sam and Dean felt a sudden sense of vertigo as Gabriel literally fast-forwarded the scene to a place where Castiel was escorted into the office again, this time clean and no longer so weary, but just as confused.

"Where am I?" he asked, looking around hesitantly. "I don't understand…"

"You're in heaven, Castiel," Naomi told him, stepping forward.

"Heaven?" he inquired. "But why?'"

"You have a job to do. But first, we need to get a little unpleasant business out of the way."

Castiel began to look nervous as the angels who had escorted him came forward to take his arms at a nod from Naomi.

"Who are you, what do you want?" he demanded, beginning to dig in his heels as he was led to a side room where a chair sat, accompanied by a table with a sheet covering it. Castiel swallowed hard, not liking the looks of this; something in the back of his mind was sending off warnings.

"It's no concern of yours at the moment. I'm just here to make sure you're ready for the duty we need you to do," Naomi said. "Don't fight, Castiel. It will all be over before you know it."

"No, I…I remember…" Castiel struggled harder against the other angels as they forced him toward the chair. "Please, I don't think I like this. Please don't."

Naomi ignored him, taking the cover off the table and checking over several gleaming instruments that Cas could only think were for torture. With one last effort the angels heaved him into the chair and strapped him down. Cas still struggled, and Naomi reached out and grabbed his chin to hold him still, tsking lightly.

"You always were a hard one to deal with, Castiel. We'll soon change that." She flicked on a drill from the table, and brought it down toward Castiel's wide, horrified eye.

"Okay, enough," Sam pleaded, turning away, swallowing sickly, as Dean was cursing under his breath. Gabriel watched them without much sympathy.

"Sure, you can't watch it, but you don't mind the idea that it happened?"

"We never said that," Dean protested, hands fisting at his sides. "We didn't know half of that actually happened to him. Of course we care what happened to Cas. I beat myself up for leaving him in Purgatory. I would give anything to go back and make sure this had never happened."

"You say that now, but when you finally did get Cas back, you were so suspicious of him—again, I might add, just like when he was fighting his civil war—that you still didn't listen to him, and didn't see the signs that he was suffering until it was too late and he had no choice but to run because he didn't know if he could trust you."

Dean swallowed hard but didn't try to deny it this time.

"And then," Gabriel chuckled dryly. "Boy, then, was your coup de grace. When Cas was hunted by heaven after he had nearly beat Dean to a pulp—should have continued, in my opinion, but I know that would have only messed him up more—and decided to turn fugitive and get as far away with the angel tablet as he could. By the way, Dean, I'm sure you were feeling sorry for yourself when your BFF Cas turned on you and decided to give you a makeover with his fist."

"It wasn't his fault," Dean gritted out.

"You're damn right it wasn't his fault!" Gabriel said. "Check out Naomi's preferred training method."

He snapped them to a huge warehouse that was scattered with bodies. All of them looked like Dean. The elder Winchester swallowed hard and Sam looked like he was going to be sick.

"Oh God," the younger brother choked out, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth in horror at the gory sight. "What is this?"

"Watch," Gabriel told them.

Cas stood over one of the bodies that was cowering away, hands raised in pleading, but the angel simply stabbed without any emotion, dropping the body to the ground with a dull thud. Naomi, standing off to one side nodded in approval.

Sam flinched and Dean instinctively reached out to grip his wrist, though he too was disturbed by the scene.

"But it wasn't always like that," Gabriel told them, waving a finger in a circular gesture as the scenery blurred around them. "Brave, stupid, loyal Castiel held out for a long time. He wouldn't kill even illusions of you, Deano. The kid always was a little too sentimental when it came to his favorite pets."

The blurring stopped and they watched as Cas and Naomi appeared, and standing off to one side were two more angels and one of the fake Deans.

"Do it, Castiel," Naomi was saying as the other angel continued to shake his head.

"No, I won't do it," he said firmly. "I won't kill Dean."

"It's not Dean Winchester, Castiel, surely you can see that," she growled, impatient.

"It doesn't matter, it will feel the same, and I know why you're doing this, I will not let you brainwash me into killing my friend!"

He jerked as she grabbed the back of his coat, shaking him like a dog before pulling him down so her face was next to his. "You will, or I will make you."

Cas turned to stare her straight in the eye. "I won't."

Naomi sighed and released him. "Very well then. Gentlemen, dispose of this illusion—slowly."

Cas tensed and watched in horror as the two threw the fake Dean to the ground, as one held it and the other gutted it slowly before stabbing it in the throat. All the while it cried out with Dean's voice.

Cas shuddered, head turned down, before he was grabbed between the two angels.

"If you don't obey, Castiel, next time it will be the real Dean Winchester," Naomi told him. "I see there is still much you have to learn. Take him back to my room. It's time for another session."

"No, please," Cas tried as he was dragged away.

Gabriel stopped the scene and turned back to Dean. "See that? And you know, sometimes they did worse things to your illusion self for Cas' benefit—though admittedly not nearly as creative as my little time loop at the Mystery Spot. Sometimes they used Sammy-boy too, just to change things up a bit. But I'll skip the R-rated gore this time, that's not the point I'm making. It's what happened next."

They were suddenly inside a Biggersons' watching Cas sit at a table with a cup of coffee in front of him, looking so exhausted he would have been unconscious if he had been human. But Dean could tell this wasn't at the period when Cas was human. He suddenly disappeared and the scene flicked to a different location but was still a Biggersons'. It did that several more times before Sam frowned at Gabriel. "What is this?"

"This is Cas doing everything he can to keep the other angels from finding him. Oh, here's the part where they finally do." He nodded to the scene with a tight jaw.

The flipping stopped and they found themselves among carnage, watching Cas crouching beside a woman with burnt out eyes, telling him over and over again that he had to stop. Then two angels appeared and put a blade to Cas' throat. Their friend gave in wearily and allowed them to force him into a chair.

Naomi was there, spouting out her spiel about how Cas was so disobedient.

"How many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?" Castiel asked bitterly, glaring up at Naomi, still defiant.

"Frankly? Too damn many," she replied. "You're the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you are told. Not completely. You don't even die right, do you? Where is the angel tablet, Castiel?"

Cas looked up at her slowly. "In the words of a good friend—bite me."

Dean actually raised his eyebrows, casting a look at Sam, a small bit of pride for the angel stirring, but he was worried at what would happen next. He knew Cas had come back to them torn up after this, and had no real idea as to what had gone on. And what Naomi said next didn't still his fears that it had been bad for Cas.

"Oh, we'll bite, don't worry." And she had the audacity to smile as if she enjoyed the prospect.

They watched silently as the angels interrogated Cas, knocking him around until Crowley made his entrance, chasing off Naomi before she shot Cas in the stomach. The angel was obviously in pain, though he tried to hide it as well as he could.

"This is where it gets rough," Gabriel told them, as he snapped his fingers again and they were in a different location where Crowley and the angel who had been working for him stood around Cas who was slumped in a chair, one hand pressed to his wound.

"You can do whatever you want, Crowley," Cas was saying. "I will never tell you where I buried the tablet."

"I know, Cas, I know," Crowley said, standing up, still waving his gun around. "Luckily, I don't believe you'll have to. I've been getting regular updates from my expensive friend here," a nod to the traitorous angel, "Naomi thinks that touching the tablet has broken her spell over you."

"The tablets weren't meant for the angels, and they weren't meant for you," Cas told the demon firmly.

Crowley ignored him, continuing. "She's got a lot of her plate so I won't fault her for missing it. I was thinking to myself—self, if Cas got away by touching the tablet then why would he ever stop touching the tablet? And then I thought to myself—self, he hasn't stopped touching the tablet, now, has he?"

Cas began to look frightened as Crowley stepped forward with a satisfied chuckle, knowing he had been right, and shoved his hand into the wound in Cas' stomach, yanking out the angel tablet.

"Hell, Cas," Dean said under his breath as Sam cursed. "Why didn't he let us help him? He didn't have to go to these lengths."

Gabriel effected a 'well duh' look. "I know, right? Where was that kind of thinking when he had to freaking cut himself open and shove the angel tablet in for safe keeping?" he shouted. "My baby bro is totally badass, but still."

"In our defense, this was still something he failed to tell us," Sam offered. "All we knew is that he had been captured by Crowley and had the angel tablet stolen from him."

"Yeah, well, again, your communication skills suck," Gabriel said with a shrug. "So, this hitting home, yet? Yes, no? Okay, I think it's time for phase three."

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Of course, what happened after the fiasco with the trials and Metadouche wasn't a piece of cake either," Gabriel continued. "Wanna see exactly happened when Cas fell?"

Sam and Dean braced themselves as they found themselves back in the room where Naomi had tortured Cas. The angel was once again strapped into the chair, but this time Metatron was standing over him. Cas was struggling, looking around frantically for some escape.

"You promised," he growled at Metatron.

"Shh, Castiel, I want you to stop thinking about master plans; heaven and angles and all this." He slammed Cas' head back against the chair, pressing a hand to his forehead to hold him still. "That doesn't concern you anymore." He pulled out his angel blade and pressed it to Cas' throat.

Sam and Dean watched in horror as the blade made a thin cut and bright blue grace seeped from it. Cas gasped in pain, choking.

"These were never trials, Castiel, this was a spell," Matatron said as he pulled out a small vial and held it up to Cas' neck. His grace flowed from the cut into it and Metatron capped it off. "What I'm taking from you now, your essence, your grace, is the last piece."

Cas croaked from the wound, now bleeding freely, and Metatron gave him a pitying look and healed it with a touch. "Now. Something wonderful is going to happen—for me, and for you. I want you to live this life to the fullest. Find a wife, make babies. And when you die and your soul comes to heaven, find me. Tell me your story." Cas watched, confused, frightened as Metatron pressed a hand to his forehead and there was a bright light.

They were suddenly in the forest and Cas was lying on the ground, unconscious. Sam and Dean watched as he stirred. He sat up slowly with a wince and gripped his throat. He was breathing heavily, shaking his head as he staggered to his feet, leaning on a tree for support as he stumbled several times before he stopped all together and just tried to breathe.

"No," he whispered, looking down at his hands, touching his face and sinking lower to the ground again. "No, please no." Something that sounded like a sob caught in his throat, his head bowed, and then suddenly, he looked up, seeing the falling angels that rained toward the earth. He forced himself to his feet, running to the edge of the woods so he could better see. He stumbled and fell to his knees.

"No!" he screamed. "No! What have I done?" he whispered hopelessly, hands covering his face, unable to watch as his brothers and sisters fell to earth.

"The fact that he blamed himself for this, again, for trusting someone who 'just wanted to help', should have been a wake-up call to him," Gabriel said.

Dean had turned away from the sight of Cas in misery over what had happened. Sam was swallowing hard. The image of their friend, broken and in mental anguish was one that would probably stick with both of them for a long time. It made Dean's anger toward Metatron renewed—as if he needed any reason for that.

"And then, there was the whole time he was human and you couldn't be bothered to help him figure that out—lucky he wasn't going through puberty, right? But more on that later, this is the part I want you to see now."

They found themselves in a hotel room where Castiel was talking to another angel.

"Let me set the scene," Gabriel told them, spreading his hands like a director. "Castiel, desperate for whatever help he could get since you two bozos didn't seem forthcoming, decided to pray for guidance. An angel came, Muriel, one of the few who actually cared enough to help him, and because of that, they were both taken by the rebel faction and dragged off to be tortured, because—wait for it—you two once again left him to his own devices when you should have known he was in danger with all these angels out there, just looking for the one who had cast them out and was currently completely human and vulnerable."

"You may know the situation," Cas was saying, "Bartholomew is in a feud with another faction."

"It's madness," Muriel said.

"Who leads the opposition?" Cas asked her.

"Malachi."

"Malachi?" Cas' eyes widened in surprise. "The anarchist?"

"He's become equals with Bartholomew, in some ways worse."

"But there are still those, like you, who want to stay out of it?" Cas asked hopefully.

"Fewer and fewer," she said bitterly. "Each side is rounding up those who try to stay neutral. Angels are being tortured and killed if they don't pledge loyalty."

Cas sighed sadly. "It's worse than I thought."

"Each side wants to crush the other. Overthrow Metatron and rule heaven and…heaven under either of them would be…"

"Hell," Cas nodded bitterly.

Suddenly the door burst open and several angels came in.

"Ah, Muriel, what did you find here?" one asked, looking Cas up and down.

"Please," she said, as she backed up, but it was no use, both her and Cas were taken. Cas tried to fight, pulling his angel blade out of his jacket but only managed to get one shallow cut to his attacker's arm, before he was thrown to the ground and the angel's blade crashed over his skull, causing him to fall limp with a grunt. He was dragged out of the room with the other angel.

Gabriel snapped his fingers and they were suddenly in some sort of dark room where Cas was chained, still unconscious, a bit bruised and bloody, and slumped in a pair of shackles binding his wrists. The angel standing before him slapped him across the face and Cas started, a groan in the back of his throat as his eyes fluttered open and he tried to stand on his feet to take some of the pressure off of his wrists and shoulders.

"Well, Castiel, this is a surprise," the angel said. "We were tracking Muriel here and wonder of wonders, she lead us to you."

"Not knowingly," she said from nearby.

"It doesn't matter," the angel told Cas as he took his angel blade and Cas' collar and sliced through the buttons of his shirt to bare his chest. "This is an opportunity. Tell us where Metatron is, Castiel."

"I don't know," Cas gritted from between clenched teeth. "He didn't stick around after he cast the angels out, and I didn't know that was what the spell was for."

He yelled as the blade sliced through his skin, leaving a trail of blood from his collarbone to mid chest.

"Why don't we try this again, Castiel," the angel said, tapping the blade against his captive's throat. "Where is Metatron?"

"I don't know," Cas practically snarled and yelped again as the blade cut across his stomach.

Gabriel stopped the scene, looking angry. "He was forced to cut out another angel's grace in order to escape. You know what that did to him? I can't even imagine how filthy that made him feel, how corrupt, and this is coming from the guy who hung out with a bunch of pagan gods. If you had just kept him with you, helped him when he asked, this never would have happened."

"Okay, we get it, you're starting to sound like a broken record," Dean said, angry with himself all over again, for this. The whole damn thing with Cas and Gadreel had been a mess of epic proportions.

"And then when he called to tell you what he found out from Malachi which he nearly paid for with his life, all you cared about was the info, not about what he had just been through."

They saw Cas standing in a telephone booth, making a call.

"Dean, I don't have a lot of time, so listen," he said "The leader of the opposition is an angel named Malachi."

"How do you know that?" Dean asked.

"He had me," Cas said. "I, uh, I was tortured. I got away."

"How?"

Cas hesitated, searching for words. "I—I did what I had to. Became what they've become. A barbarian."

"What are you…Cas, where are you?"

"It's better I stay away, they're going to want me even more now. I'm going to be all right. I—I got my grace back. Well…not mine, per se but it'll do."

"Wait, you're back? You got your mojo?" Dean asked.

"I'm not sure, but I am an angel," Cas replied wryly.

"And you're okay with that?"

"If we're going to war I need to be ready."

Gabriel stopped it again. "And then he proceeded to tell you all about the fact that the angel you had loaned your brother's meat suit to wasn't who he said he was. And yet, you still didn't invite him back, even to help you out."

"He thought it was best to stay away," Dean said.

"Well, I'll leave you with what you already learned today to think about whether that's a good excuse or not," Gabriel said sarcastically.

Dean shut his mouth, folding his arms across his chest. To be honest, he was just feeling worse and worse, and he could tell that Sam was too.

"The same kind of thing happened another time, you know," Gabriel told them. "Much more recently. Remember when Sammy was off fighting the Darkness fallout solo and you were off somewhere playing house with baby Amara and the King of Hell, leaving Cas trying to figure out what to do with Rowena's spell running through his veins? He was being hunted across country by every type of law enforcement in the state and was out of his mind with fever and feeling like he had just ruined the world again because he had helped Sam get the Mark off you. So he decided to pray for his brothers and sisters to come help him, and as usual, he was so trusting, I mean, hell, that kid would trust a dog that bit him every time he petted it—oh wait, that's kind of what you two are. Anyway, two angels showed up and he thought they would take him back to heaven, maybe for a little incarceration, but no, they drag him off to have their fun with him, playing interrogation and trying to figure out where Metatron was. By the way, am I the only one who wishes that dickwad would just die already?"

"That might be one thing we agree on," Sam said dryly.

"Anyway, back to the story," Gabriel snapped his fingers and they stood in a workshop or some kind of warehouse where Cas was chained to the ceiling, his clothes torn and bloody, looking like he was burning with fever from the spell, his eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed.

One of the angels stabbed his blade through Cas' shoulder, dragging it out slowly, as grace seeped from the wound and Cas screamed at the pain.

"Where's Metatron?" the angel asked.

"I don't know," Cas ground out before yelling again as he received another slice from the blade.

"Where's Metatron, Castiel?"

"Mercy brother, please," Cas gasped.

Sam and Dean felt their hearts clench at watching their friend's pain. It was a testament to how much he was suffering, probably from the combination of the torture and the spell both, that he would beg for mercy. They had never heard him do so.

"Brother?" the other angel asked, as he came up to join the torturer. He laughed derisively. "What are you?"

Cas fought for words. "I…I'm an angel of the Lord." The way he said it, there was a certain misery in his words as if he hardly believed himself.

"That so?" the angel asked, stepping up to face him. "Because as far as I can tell, when it comes to choosing between heaven and the Winchesters…"

"You choose them," the other angel said.

"Every. Time. So, see, you're not my brother, and if I had it my way…." He lifted his blade and pressed it into Castiel's chest, carving downward as Cas tensed and groaned in pain. "I'd take this blade, stick it in your heart, and call it a damn good day."

"Then do it!" Castiel gritted out, daring him, leaning forward into the blade as far as he could go.

Dean swallowed hard as he watched. "Dammit, Cas," he whispered.

The angel pulled the blade away with a bored expression. "Nah. The fun's just getting started." He nodded to his companion who came over and stabbed Castiel in the side.

Gabriel stopped the scene. "And just more of this for a while, until they decided to get out the pins and needles and crack his melon open to hack the info. Didn't work, he managed to escape and kill them, only after he was betrayed by one of the few angels he thought he could trust. Of course, Hannah did do her best to save him in the end and died for it, but it didn't help him. And you know what happened afterward. He somehow managed to find his way back to the bunker."

"Where we helped him get better; and trying to track Rowena down wasn't exactly a walk in the park," Dean said, but still felt haunted by the past three scenes Gabriel had shown them. Sure, he had seen the blood and the sluggishly healing wounds when they had found Cas collapsed on the floor of their bunker, but it was different actually seeing it happen. And the fact that those angels had been so nasty about it, denying he was their brother, cruel for the sake of being cruel, they had been acting like demons. Dean realized they should have made finding Cas one of their first priorities, forget what he had said. As soon as the angel had told Dean on the phone that it would be the last time they saw each other for a while, he should have known he was going to do something stupid and end up getting hurt. Total Winchester move. If Cas hadn't been able to escape, what would have happened? Would the angels have managed to kill him, taken him to heaven for years of torture and brainwashing? Or would he have eventually burned out from the spell Rowena had cursed him with? He had been pretty bad off at the end there.

"Done with your inner contemplation?" Gabriel asked, startling Dean from his dark thoughts. "Good, because we've got a lot more to get through."

"What now?" Dean asked tiredly.

"We-el," Gabriel said drawing the word out sarcastically. "Let's see, I showed you some of the things he went through because you weren't there when he needed you most, so how about we switch things up a bit and check out some stuff he went through because of you."

"We know Cas died for us on several occasions," Sam said, his face pinched in regret. "And almost did on a dozen more. We would always repay those sacrifices in a flash." Dean nodded in agreement.

"But did you really?" Gabriel asked skeptically. "I mean, do you even really know what happened half the time? Really? Death…well, that's the easy part. You don't even know half the things Cas went through for you. All the sacrifices he made. He was doomed the day he met you. The day he dragged you out of hell, Dean, was the last day he was really a true angel. I mean, sure the kid was always a rebel, but you two taught him a whole new world of defiance."

Dean swallowed hard, anger pooling in his chest, but he didn't say anything.

"Now, don't get me wrong, the rebellion was a good thing, I was glad Cas finally saw the corruption for what it was. But that was because of you for whatever reason, when you didn't even give him the time of day. Especially when you first met him."

"We didn't know where he stood back then," Sam said in defense of his brother. "How could we? It always seemed like he was changing sides."

"He was following orders, I don't expect you two chuckleheads to know what that's like," Gabriel accused. "But when he blatantly disobeyed that first time—when he had insider info into the apocalypse that he wanted to tell you, that the angels wanted to keep under lock and key. You remember that?"

"Yeah, he got…dragged back to heaven for correction or something," Sam said, frowning.

Gabriel snorted sardonically. "Or something. You know what they do to angels who don't obey orders? Apart from having their minds wiped like Naomi did to him?"

"I remember Anna saying something about torture," Dean said reluctantly. "But I didn't…"

"You didn't what? Believe it? Think it was as bad as they said? Because how could angels possibly do anything that horrible?" Gabriel demanded. "Well, let me show you what Cas suffered for you. At that point where his life was pretty much gone to crap."

They were suddenly in a dark dungeon setting, torches glowed against the walls and every noise echoed in the place—including the pain filled screams emanating from somewhere close by.

"Follow me," Gabriel said and Sam and Dean shared a glance as they followed the archangel down a corridor and into a room off to one side. Dean's chest clenched as he saw what the room contained.

Castiel was chained, hands above his head, in the middle of the room, dangling so that his toes barely scraped the ground. There was a sigil painted under his feet and more decorating the shackles that bound both wrists and ankles. He was shirtless and blood ran down his chest, to drip on the ground, starting with the wounds adorning his face and joining those on his chest and stomach. Currently another angel stood behind him, using a horrifying looking whip with a metal scourge on the end and each time it struck, it caused Cas to arch his back and scream in agony, some blue grace emanated from the wound. Dean suspected the metal barb must be made of the same material as the angel blades.

"Remember who you serve, Castiel." They turned to see Zachariah standing off to one side of the room, a near smirk on his face that made Dean wish he could tear the angel limb from limb. If only he hadn't killed him so quickly. Zachariah held up a hand to stop the torturer, and stepped forward, grabbing Castiel's chin and forcing his head up to look at him. Castiel forced his eyes open, pain written all over his features along with a spark in his eye that for some reason made Dean proud.

"Tell me, Castiel. Who do you serve?" Zachariah asked, raising his eyebrows.

Cas moaned and it was obviously a struggle to speak. "I—I was only doing…what I thought…was right," he panted between winces.

Zachariah sighed and released him, wiping his hand on a handkerchief he pulled from his suit coat as he stepped away, but the sick bastard looked happy with the reply. "I see you still haven't learned your lesson then. Continue." He went back to the corner to watch as Castiel let out another scream as the lash cut into his back.

"I've seen enough," Dean said, swallowing hard, and turning away.

"This happened because of you, because of his loyalty to you and your demon blood sucking little brother," Gabriel told him firmly. "And yet you repay him with distrust and dismissal."

"I get it, all right?" Dean ground out, trying to block out the sound of Cas' screams playing behind him, his own body tensing with every whistle of the lash. "We screwed up, and I feel bad, I really do, but we can't fix this now."

Gabriel just stared at him for a long moment before he said. "Do you know what it feels like to have not just your body but your very essence tortured?"

"I've been to hell," Dean replied blandly.

Gabriel shook his head. "Not the same thing. I mean, while you're still alive, while your soul is still in your body. That's what it feels like for an angel to have their true form assaulted, tortured. It's kind of…what's the word? Excruciating." He waved a hand at Dean and the hunter suddenly felt like he was being ripped apart. But not just ripped apart bodily—it was like every atom inside of him was being split and creating their own nuclear explosion. He hit the ground with a breathless, choked scream of agony, wreathing at the burning torment that spread throughout his whole being, body and mind, even to the tips of his hair.

It ended as suddenly as it had begun and he was left limp and gasping for breath on the floor with Sam's hands on him, giving him quiet reassurances. When he could finally see again, he looked up at Gabriel and saw the angel looking down at him with no pity whatsoever.

"You see what he went through for you now?" Gabriel asked as Sam helped Dean sit and slowly pulled him to his feet.

Dean could only nod, the phantom of the pain still dancing on his nerves. Something tickled his jaw and he reached up with a shaky hand to find tears streaming down his face. He scrubbed them away self-consciously, ignoring Sam's worried look. It had felt like everything he was was being ripped away from him. Like his very being had been torn apart by a shredder; and the fact that he was responsible for Cas feeling that way—and how it probably wasn't the only time either. Dean recalled what Cas had said to him when he had gotten back from this 'correction', when Jimmy Novak had died and given his body to the angel. It seemed so simple, so blatantly detached; Dean had never thought it could have been something so horrible.

"I learned my lesson when I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven. I don't serve man, and I certainly don't serve you."

Dean wasn't sure what he had thought. Maybe something more akin to the angel writing the phase over and over again on a chalkboard—certainly nothing like this. It made him sick that he had ever thought that now. He was going to have a long talk with Cas about this later, he just wasn't sure an apology would really cut it.

"Of course, Sammich here also has something to be very thankful to Cas for," Gabriel was saying again, "Going to rescue his sorry ass from the Cage."

"To be fair, he did kind of leave an important bit behind," Dean said quietly.

"True, he did bring Sam back sans-soul, but it was the thought that counts, and you shouldn't look a gift brother in the soulless cavity," Gabriel retorted. "He was devastated when he found out Sam was missing his soul. He probably would have gone and pulled the stupid selfless hero routine to nab it from Luci if he hadn't been so busy with the heavenly war."

"He got me out fine," Dean said. "What happened with Sam?"

"First off, you weren't in the Cage being Lucifer and Michael's favorite chew toy, and second, it was just your soul, collected in the normal way, that he had to drag out. Sam's whole kit and caboodle took the high dive into hell so his physical body ended up there too. Cas wanted to make sure he grabbed that since otherwise, there would be nothing to put Sam's soul in, but in the process, and probably because Luci and Mike wanted to screw Cas over for helping get them caught there, they likely found some way to bind Sam's soul to the cage so when Cas raised Sam's body, the soul was left behind. And let me tell you, it was one hell of a struggle out—no pun intended."

They were suddenly in a dark stretch of hallway, torches flickering, and the sounds of distant screams playing in the background. Sam and Dean both felt instantly alert, knowing the place all too well. Hell.

"Really?" Dean demanded, trying to hide his unease.

"You need to see these things," Gabriel insisted. "Check it out, here comes the hero to rescue Rapunzel."

Sam frowned at the nickname but watched as Gabriel showed them a different scene, of Cas facing Michael and Lucifer. They were still in the Cage, and the whole scene made Sam's skin crawl. This brought back too many memories. Not only of his time there after he had taken the high-dive, but of his recent reuniting with Lucifer during their fight with the Darkness.

Cas was facing the two archangels with his angel blade held in front of him and an unconscious Sam being held in a headlock by Lucifer himself.

"You will let me take him," Castiel said firmly, striding forward with slow, determined steps.

"Yeah, I don't think so," Lucifer said with a mocking head tilt, petting Sam's head like he was a dog. The sight made Dean growl in the back of his throat as Sam put a reassuring hand on his shoulder to remind him he was there and alright, even though the sight made him want to vomit.

"He's kind of my favorite pet, so I'll pass," Lucifer continued, stooping to rest his cheek against Sam's head, wrapping his arms around the younger Winchester like he was a favorite stuffed animal. Castiel tightened his grip on his blade. "I mean, you can't expect me to stay down here with just this loser for company." He blasted Michael away casually before he turned back to Cas, dropping Sam to the ground in a heap and advancing toward the angel.

"Come on, Castiel. Give up. You know you can't win. How about I make you explode again? Or, maybe you would like to stay here too? I would love another plaything for when Sam's being a grumpy-guts and doesn't want to participate in my games. We'd have so much fun. What do you say, little brother?"

"I will not let you take Sam Winchester from me," Castiel told him, slowly advancing, blade still held out and ready to defend against any attack.

"Oh, Cassie, I wasn't planning on letting you," Lucifer said and lunged forward, slamming Cas against the side of the cage. The angel flew into the wall and fell on his knees with a grunt, but he surged forward and stabbed his blade into Lucifer's thigh. The devil yelled at the sudden pain, and Cas was able to throw him to one side and grab Sam's limp form then retreat to the exit. He fiddled with the combination, cutting his palm and making the proper sigil to open the lock when he was smashed into the floor, wreathing in pain, and dropping Sam.

"Uh-uh, Castiel, you're not leaving so easily," Lucifer said with a smile as he bent and yanked the lesser angel up by his coat. "This is the Hotel California. Once you check in, you don't leave."

Cas gritted his teeth, reaching down and grabbing hold of Sam before he used the last bit of energy he had to bring up a foot and kick Lucifer in the chest, throwing him backwards, before Cas slammed his bloody palm into the sigil and with a flash of light, he and Sam were gone and Lucifer was howling in rage.

Cas appeared outside the cage, running with Sam thrown over his shoulders, as the sounds of demons approached. Cas looked exhausted already, fighting any that got in his way, taking multiple wounds yet somehow managing to keep Sam unscathed, until finally, finally, a burst of light and he and Sam were lying in a field. Cas pulled himself into a sitting position, gasping for breath, and turned to Sam. He healed his wounds, and made sure he was still alive and then slumped in relief. He put his hand on Sam's forehead.

"Go to your brother, Sam," he said quietly. By the time Sam's eyes had blinked open, Castiel was gone.

Gabriel stopped the scene and turned to look at the two brothers with their stony faces, pleased with their reactions.

"So there you go, another reason to be thankful to Cas."

Sam swallowed hard. "I was grateful for him getting me out."

Gabriel narrowed his eyes. "And yet you accused him of leaving your soul there on purpose."

"We had no idea where he was standing on anything at that moment," Dean said. "We've already been through that."

"True," Gabriel admitted.

"And you know what, Gabriel, all that stuff you said about us never being there when Cas needed us is bull, where were you?" Dean suddenly demanded.

"Hello, I was kind of…ya know, dead," the archangel replied. "And yeah, I know when I was still alive, I wouldn't necessarily have gotten 'brother of the year'—and yes, before you mention it, I realize the whole TV land thing wasn't very nice. But my priorities have changed since then. No more apocalypse means that I can focus on more important things."

"Like finally being there for your brother?" Sam asked.

"Like finally being there for all my family!" Gabriel snapped. "I told you I only left because I couldn't stand seeing them tear each other apart. This isn't about me, okay, I know what I did wrong, you can accuse me later, when Castiel is better. But you know what? I trusted you assholes to look after my little brother, to have his back. I thought he had finally found a home and a family with you two. I trusted you and all you did was ruin his life and make him feel worthless!"

"He would be dead if it wasn't for us!" Dean yelled.

"Oh really? Because it seems like most of the time, he had to rescue himself," Gabriel shouted back. "Because here is the next topic, and this one is the one that hits the hardest: Abandonment."

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Now, where to start with this one took me a while to figure out, but I think the first time you really abandoned him was when you left him in that psych ward. That was cold, Dean."

"Why are you blaming me again?" Dean demanded.

"Uh, duh, because it was totally your fault," Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Let's set the scene shall we? You were looking for a magic cure for Sam's Lucifer induced hallucinations—try saying that three times fast—when you found this healer, Emmanuel, and when you go to meet up with him, surprise surprise, it's your old friend Cas, with amnesia. So you drag him to Sam, help him remember who he was, and then just let him fix your bro, not even reading the warning label on the transference of crazy. Now, Sam knows what it's like to have the devil riding shotgun," Gabriel added. "You on the other hand don't fully appreciate what Cas went through."

The scene shifted to Cas in the room in the psych ward. He was currently plastered in one corner, his hands cradling his head, rocking back and forth.

"Please, Lucifer, please stop," he pleaded with a groan. "I—I can't do this anymore, please."

The scene switched to Cas lying on the bed, thrashing in some sort of stupor, moaning like he was in pain. "No, Lucifer, brother, please stop!" he screamed, tossing his head to one side as his back arched off the bed and he soon spilled over the side, hitting the floor with a dull thud and practically going into seizures.

"It went between this and him just being comatose…then of course he just hit crazy town," Gabriel told them, stopping the scene, seeming unable to watch it himself. Sam closed his eyes and subconsciously ran his thumb over the scar on his palm, memories flooding back and making him feel about a million times worse for what they had put Cas through.

"Not only did he heal your brother when you dragged him from what could have been a good, blissfully ignorant life, Dean," Gabriel told the hunter. "But he had just remembered who he was, namely the guilt he felt from popping Purgatory, and so he felt inclined to pull another idiotically self-sacrificing move and shift Sam's crazy to himself. And then," Gabriel continued, raising his voice. "You decided to just leave him there! You left an angel, your friend, in a psych ward with a demon as his caretaker! After everything he had done for you! And he was amazingly lucky not to get found out that he was not actually human and get the Area 51 treatment. How would you like it if I had done that to your brother?"

Dean swallowed hard. "I know, it wasn't one of our better ideas, but he was safer there than anywhere else. The demons were looking for him, Meg at least kept them off his trail, and yeah, she wasn't the best choice but she was all we had, and she surprisingly didn't screw us over. It's not like we could have dragged a mentally unsound angel around with us on the hunt for Dick Roman. It would have only put him in more danger."

"I agree to an extent," Gabriel reluctantly admitted. "But you never visited. He waited for you, you know. He was always asking Meg about you; why you wouldn't come."

Dean reluctantly watched as the scene shifted again, this time to the day room of the ward. Cas and Meg sat at one of the tables, the game board for Sorry set up between them. Cas moved a piece before he sighed and looked across the table at Meg.

"I always come back. Why do you think I always come back?"

"Because you suck at the game," Meg said with a small smirk, taking her turn and sending his piece back to home.

Castiel shook his had. "No, I mean, when I die. I always come back. But to what purpose? I just feel like I never serve my penance. What I did, opening purgatory, stealing the souls, it was bad. But betraying Sam and Dean…that hurt more than anything. I wish I could…say I was sorry." He motioned to the game board, then looked up at the demon sitting opposite him. "Why won't they come back?"

She sighed. "They'll be back when they're done doing what they think they need to."

"I don't know. I did a lot of bad things. I tried to be God, I broke Sam's wall."

"Hey, and they haven't done worse?" Meg asked raising an eyebrow. "Together they started the apocalypse. That's kinda a big one."

Cas sighed and looked down sadly. "I miss them. They…they said I was like family, but…I didn't think family abandoned each other. But then, I suppose that's what everyone else has always done. I just wish things would go back to the way they were before."

Meg actually looked sympathetic. "Hey, you still have me, right, Clarence?"

Cas gave her a sad smile and went back to playing the game.

"We—we didn't mean to abandon him. That wasn't our intent," Sam told Gabriel quietly, obviously moved by the scene.

"Well, whether you meant it like that or not, you didn't exactly do anything to make him think differently," the archangel said shortly.

"He was whacked out when we left him, he wouldn't have understood anything we said; I'm pretty sure he thought all of us were freaking Lucifer," Dean added, again feeling like he was only making excuses. From the disgusted look Gabriel gave him, he figured the archangel felt the same way. "But maybe you don't understand something about the situation. We were on the run, no home or place to hide out, not like after we found the bunker. We were stealing cars and being tracked by leviathans the whole time and with Cas' head busted, he would have been in more danger with us than he was at the mental ward. I'm sorry we didn't make visiting hours every day, but we did try to do what was best for him."

"Okay, well, what about when you went back to him finally?" Gabriel demanded. "Because, I don't care where you come from, Dean, there ain't no excuse for this in my books." He snapped his fingers again and they were still in the day room but this time Dean was there with Cas.

Cas sat at one of the tables, looking up at Dean with an almost childish expression on his face, looking so young and strange. This wasn't the Cas they had known, which only told them how badly he was suffering the effects of taking on Sam's burden. And Dean just glared at him.

"You realize you just broke God's word," he told the angel.

Cas looked down at the table, and shifted uncomfortably but said nothing.

Dean gave a small sigh and sat down across from him. "It's Sam's thing, isn't it? You taking on his…cage match scars. I'm guessing that's what broke your bank, right?"

Cas gave a sad smile. "Well, it took everything to get me here."

"What are you talking about, man?"

"Dean, I know you want different answers…"

"No, I want you to button up your coat and help us take down Leviathans," Dean told him, leaning forward. Cas just gave him a sad look. Dean shook his head slightly, continuing. "Do you remember what you did?"

Cas' expression just saddened further. He reached over and picked up the game Sorry from the table, holding it up. Dean's eyes narrowed and then Cas shook it, instantly setting up the game. "Do you want to go first?" he asked Dean.

Dean closed his eyes, willing for patience, then played the game. They played several turns as Cas talked about monkeys and homosapiens and poetry until Dean finally cut in.

"Cas, where can we find this Metatron, is he still alive?"

"I'm sorry, I think you have to go back to start," Cas told him instead, pointing at the game board.

Dean did as he said, looking across at Cas and forcing a smile, quickly losing his patience. "This is important."

Cas only motioned to the game board and Dean took his turn then leaned across the table earnestly. "I think Metatron could stop a lot of bad, do you understand that?"

"We live in a sorry universe," Cas said as he picked up a card. "It's engineered to create conflict. I mean, why should I prosper from your misfortune." He sent another of Dean's pieces back to home. "But these are the rules, I didn't make them."

"You made some of them," Dean said, looking up to meet the angel's eyes. "When you tried to become God, when you cut that hole into that wall."

"Dean," Cas said quietly. "It's your move."

Dean slammed a fist into the table and swept the game board to the floor, scattering pieces everywhere. "Forget the damn game!" Then as he saw the look on Cas' face, the angel looking like a kicked puppy, he tried to calm his voice. "Forget the game, Cas."

"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas looked up sadly.

"No," Dean said. "You're playing sorry."

The scene stopped and Dean bowed his head, throat tightening, unable to watch anymore. The look on Cas' face nearly broke him in a way he couldn't figure out how it hadn't at the time. Gabriel was right, there was no excuse for that. He remembered, he had felt betrayed, but still, that was no excuse for treating a mentally ill Cas that way. Sam, who hadn't been there when it happened, looked shocked and Dean couldn't meet his eyes.

"And that was bad enough," Gabriel said after he stopped the scene. "But this? This was inexcusable."

They were in Rufus' cabin suddenly, where they had been hiding out from the Leviathans. Dean was sitting at the table while Meg and Sam stood nearby, talking about their plan to stop Dick Roman. Cas was washing dishes when Dean looked over at him.

"Hey, shifty, what's your problem?"

"Do we need a cat?" Cas asked, instantly avoiding the question. "Doesn't this place feel one species short?"

Dean gave a longsuffering eyeroll. "You got anything to say on the topic of Dicks? Crowley was pretty sure that you could help."

"I can't help. You understand I can't," Cas said sharply. "I destroyed everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just…leave it at that?"

"No," Dean said, standing up. "No we can't."

"Dean," Sam began.

"We can't leave it," Dean continued, voice rising. "You let these friggin' things in. So you don't get to make a sandwich, you don't get a damn cat. Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas, clean up your mess!"

Cas shrank back, looking more and more horrible as Dean continued, his face a mix of emotions.

Dean watched it, his fists clenched at his sides, the words he had said echoing in his head. "Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas." It was possibly the worst thing he had ever said to the angel, his best friend. How could he have said that, and when Cas was so…off already? The guilt had been plain in his face, the pain of betraying pretty much the only friends he had left, and he had tried to apologize so many times and each time Dean had just scoffed at him, not accepting his apologies.

"Thinking about what a dick you were?" Gabriel asked him, watching his face with satisfaction. "That's more like it. I ought to clock you again for that alone. I'm sure you'd feel the same if someone said that about Sammy."

"Yeah," Dean admitted. "You should."

"Well, it's no fun if you ask for it," Gabriel huffed. "Anyway, this wasn't the worst thing you've done either, so I might want to save my knuckles. I think we need to go up to the point where he was turned human after Metatron took his grace—told you we'd get back to this one. He was out there alone, trying to figure out what to do, and how his newly human body worked and you couldn't be bothered to go pick him up."

"We were looking all over for him after Sam got out of his frickin' coma!" Dean protested.

"Yeah, after spending several days relaxing in the bunker with heat, food and clean beds," Gabriel snapped. "You know what Cas had?"

They were suddenly standing in a dirty ally among dumpsters. It was raining and looked cold, and Cas was standing out in it, wrapped up in several layers of clothes but still shivering, looking scruffy and tired. He was picking through the dumpsters, looking for anything edible. Sam and Dean almost couldn't watch the pathetic scene. After Cas had exhausted his meager pickings, he slumped on the stoop of some establishment, hiding under the meager eaves that partially protected him from the rain, even though he was already soaked. He hugged himself for warmth, shivering uncontrollably and looking like a drowned cat.

"He was sitting out there, starving, cold, confused, with no idea when or if you two would even show up, probably thinking it best if you didn't so he wouldn't get you killed because even then he was too loyal to your traitorous asses," Gabriel told them coldly. "And when someone finally showed him an ounce of kindness, he was so surprised and naive he actually trusted them."

"The reaper," Sam said, swallowing hard.

"Got it in one," Gabriel said. "After she took Cas back to her place and had her way with him, you know what she did? Let me refresh your memories."

He snapped his fingers and they found themselves in the apartment they had tracked Cas to. He was tied to a chair, his shirt open and bloody wounds decorating his chest, while the red-headed reaper stood over him, brandishing his own knife.

"Alright, let's try this again, and one of these times we'll get it right," the reaper said.

"I knew nothing about Metatron's spell," Castiel said tiredly as the reaper laughed sardonically. "I didn't know he was going to cast the angels out of heaven. I was cast out too."

"Oh dear, nothing but reruns on this channel," the reaper sighed and dug the blade into Cas' chest, making him groan in pain. The torture continued until Sam and Dean burst through the door of the apartment, and the reaper decided it was a good time to stab Cas in the chest.

"We saved him," Sam said, wincing at the replay of the scene.

"We would never have left him dead," Dean gritted out.

"Lucky for you you had an angel in your pocket then," Gabriel said. "I will give you that one; you let Zeke-slash-Gadreel heal him even though it was detrimental to the health of Samsquatch there. But don't expect a cookie of good conduct yet, because what came later erased all of that."

Dean swallowed hard, knowing exactly where Gabriel was going next and he wasn't sure he wanted to see it.

They were in the bunker now. Dean watched as he and Sam stood, watching Cas leave to go find more food. Dean was laughing about something, probably Cas finally getting laid, when Gadreel made his appearance and told Dean that if Cas stayed he would have to leave, and abandon Sam's body before he was completely healed.

"I know where this is going," Dean told Gabriel shortly. "You don't have to—"

"Hold on there, cowboy," Gabriel told him. "I'm not skipping the previews here. The fact you don't want to see this again just makes it all the more important you keep your eyes front and center."

Dean swallowed hard as he watched himself walk over to Cas who smiled up at him, so trusting, so obviously relieved to finally be in a place he felt safe, among people he trusted and he was about to crush all of that. No wonder, Dean thought bitterly. No wonder he felt he wasn't wanted. It didn't matter that Dean had explained it after the fact, he knew that the whole mess with Gadreel had been one of, if not the, biggest mistake of his life, not only in respect to Sam but to Cas as well. Now as he watched the scene repeat itself, he felt horrible all over again.

"You can't stay, Cas," he said to the ex-angel who's face had instantly changed from a smile to hurt confusion, as if he almost didn't believe it at first but realized Dean wasn't joking.

"Why?" he asked but Dean only held up a hand to stop him. Dismissive. He had been so damn dismissive.

"It's just…it's not a good time," Dean said gruffly, not even looking him in the eye. "I've gotta take care of Sam and…Sorry, Cas, I wish it wasn't this way, but…"

Cas looked like he was going to say something, but hung his head instead, nodding slightly. "It's okay, Dean, I understand," he said quietly and stood up. "I guess I'll…be going then."

Dean hurriedly reached into his wallet and handed Cas what money he had on him. "Um, this should feed you for the next couple days at least," he said hopelessly.

Cas forced a smile, though the sadness in his eyes couldn't be masked. "Thank you." And then he turned around and left.

Gabriel cast his eyes to Dean who was looking at his feet. "You see, Deano, I think the only thought that was running through Cas' mind was that he was too much of a burden to even have around. Too much trouble. What I don't get is why you didn't just tell him about your brother's angel life support? At least then even if you had kicked him out, you could have set him up a place. You didn't have to just throw him out on the street.

"I know," Dean ground out.

"Because, it only gets worse from here."

They had been transported to the side of a road where Cas could be seen walking in the distance. He limped along for a while until he stopped finally and sat, pulling his shoes off. Bloody spots showed through his socks from blisters and he bit his lip, before he put them back on, continuing to limp along.

Gabriel sped up the scene until Cas was walking into a drug store, finally having gotten to a town, barely able to stand and almost whimpering with every step, though even then he tried to keep a stoic face, biting his lip. Sam and Dean both felt sick to their stomachs, horrified at what they had left Cas to. Really, what Dean had left Cas to.

Cas stumbled into the store and tried to make his way to the section where the medical supplies were kept when an employee came up to him with a scowl.

"Excuse me, we do not allow vagrants on the premise, this is a place for decent people to shop," the man said in no uncertain terms.

Castiel looked bewildered. "But I'm not…"

"Please, sir, leave before I am forced to call the police."

Cas opened his mouth, but only hung his head, his shoulders slumping further. "Very well. I'm sorry for bothering you."

The man followed him out the door and stood watching until he had left the parking lot and crossed the street.

Cas continued on to a back ally where he found a pile of cardboard boxes to collapse in, so weary, he passed out almost as soon as he lay down.

Gabriel silently skipped to the next morning and they watched as Cas pulled himself to his feet, groaning at the pain they must have been giving him. He took several staggering steps before he bit his lip against the pain and set off down the street. He found a gas station and was at least more welcome there than he had been in the drug store the previous night. He bought bandages and antiseptic cream and then some food and finally poured a cup of coffee.

After paying for the things, he found a place to sit in a public park and ate the breakfast and then bent to take his shoes off, pulling out the box of band-aids. It was a painful process to watch him peel off the blood crusted socks and apply the bandages clumsily. Sam and Dean were already feeling about as bad as they possibly could.

"And then that night when he tried to sleep…this happened," Gabriel said, fast-forwarding again to Cas curled up on the same park bench, shivering, and looking possibly even more miserable than before.

And then three more figures wandered by, looking like other vagrants and they stopped, watching the sleeping man for a moment before they spoke quietly to each other and started searching his clothes. Cas came awake instantly, struggling to push them away.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, trying to reach into his coat for his blade but the men held him too tightly.

One found the rest of his meager money and pocketed it with a grin. Cas struggled harder. "That's mine!"

The only thing he got was a punch to the stomach. He grunted, and tried kicking out at the man, catching him in the knee and making him curse. He then swung his head backwards and hit one of the men holding him in the jaw, but they only threw him down, to tumble over the bench in a heap, his head bleeding where he hit it on the seat. He was still and the men left, uncaring, probably hoping they had killed him, and Cas just lay there until they were gone then he slowly pulled himself to his feet and stumbled off into the night to find a safer place to stay.

"See that?" Gabriel jerked his chin toward the scene. "He knew nothing about being human, not really. He might have picked up the ideals but anyone can do that. Living the life physically isn't the same. It's hard, it's dirty, and it's ungrateful; I've been among humanity long enough to know that. And you didn't think of any of that. You just listened to an angel you didn't even know and threw your best friend to the wind."

Dean's face was hard past his remorse. "What do you want me to say, Gabriel? I know what I did, do you not think I regret it all the time?"

"Again, you claim that it bothered you but did you ever do anything to make it all right? To make up for it?"

"I wasn't thinking right, and by the time I could have done anything about it, Cas had his grace back and I had the damn Mark, and that thing messed everything up," Dean said forcefully.

"He knew he could call us for help," Sam tried to add, but seemed uncertain.

"Did he?" Gabriel raised his eyebrow and turned to Dean. "You had plenty of time before Cain slapped the Mark on you, and you," he turned to Sam. "Just stood by and did nothing."

"I didn't even know the situation, I thought Cas had left on his own accord. And for the record, it was never my call to kick Cas out of the bunker in the first place," Sam said as Dean cast him an offended look. "If I had known what was going on I would have brought him back myself."

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't be cute, Samerella. You are hardly any better."

"What? When did I kick him out? Dean went behind both our backs on that one." He had the grace to cast an apologetic look at his scowling brother.

"How about when Dean was off embracing his inner demon and you were working your ass off trying to figure out where he was? You called Cas in whenever you needed a second man when he really had bigger fish to fry, not to mention the fact he was dying from stolen grace."

"I didn't realize…"

Gabriel cut him off. "Yeah, not into excuses, in case you haven't noticed. You had no rival angel riding co-pilot that time, so tell me why the hell Cas wasn't staying in the bunker with you then?"

Sam swallowed hard, casting his eyes down.

"That wasn't exactly rhetorical," Gabriel prompted.

"He…" Sam shook his head, guilt written over every line of his face. "He never said anything. I just figured he had better places to be."

"Of course he did." Gabriel replied sarcastically and zapped them to a grungy motel room, even by Winchester standards, one with suspicious stains on the walls and a horribly filthy bed, and a half busted fan that screeched every time it turned. But the worst was Cas who emerged from the unspeakably filthy bathroom and shuffled to the bed, collapsing onto it as he coughed like a consumption sufferer. He shivered, looking flushed with fever and curled miserably on top of the already unmade bed, seeming not to even have enough energy to get under the blankets.

"See, Sammy-boy? Cas definitely preferred staying in this scum-hole as opposed to in a nice clean bed with the people who were supposed to be his friends, but obviously didn't even care that he was dying."

"I didn't know," Sam whispered, his face creased in sympathy as he watched Cas struggle to breathe through the coughs that didn't seem to want to stop.

"So we screwed up, I know," Dean said, suddenly, having to turn his back on the pitiful scene. He felt terrible, really, he did, but as usual, he tried to hide that, tried to push back indignantly. "We always have screwed up. I feel horrible for what Cas suffered, I really do. Believe me, no one can possibly feel worse than me or be worse when it comes to self guilt-tripping. But we can't fix this now, so what the hell are you trying to get at?"

"You know who whines? Bitches," Gabriel told him. "You need more convincing? Okay, let me pick out a couple other clips for your education." He snapped his fingers again.

This time they were watching Cas sitting alone in his car at the wheel. Sam and Dean weren't sure exactly where he was, but Sam thought with a hard swallow, that he might be outside the old brewery he had used to keep Rowena and work on the spell to free Dean of the Mark. The angel looked conflicted, hands fiddling in his lap, before he finally sighed and turned his eyes heavenward.

"Father," he said softly. "I don't know if you're out there, but if you can hear me, I need…I need some guidance. So often lately, I have done the wrong thing when I was certain it was the right one, and oftentimes with horrendous consequences. I can't…afford to make the wrong one again. Sam and Dean are my family, I love them, and I would give anything to help them, but I can't help but think this is a very bad idea." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You have brought me back so many times, I can't help but wonder why. There must be a purpose to it, I suppose, I just…haven't seemed to have found it yet. Perhaps I am meant to stop this? But if I stop it, Dean will become someone he doesn't want to be and I…I would have to put him down, and I don't…" his voice wavered and his eyes squeezed shut. "I don't think I can do that. I have killed too many sisters and brothers over the years. I could not bear to be the one to end his life too. I have already failed as his guardian; I only ask that I do not have to take him from this world. I just…need to know what to do. Though, I suppose I will simply do the wrong thing anyway, and pay my penance again—I just ask that it is not with the lives of the Winchesters. Please." Cas stopped then, as his phone rang and broke the solemn scene.

Dean's chest ached and he swallowed against the painful lump in his throat. He glanced over at Sam and saw him blinking away tears. Gabriel watched them, looking like he was trying to hide his own emotion as he shook his head.

"He always was so damn loyal to you two, even when you didn't deserve it," the archangel said bitterly. "Especially when you didn't deserve it." His eyes hardened as he looked at Dean and snapped his fingers, sending them to the bunker as it had been torn up after the Stynes had infiltrated—the evidence of it being only their bodies on the floor and Dean, covered in blood standing toe-to-toe with Cas, staring the angel down. "But let's not forget how you repaid that loyalty, Dean."

Dean could hardly watch as the scene played out. Cas reaching out to grip his shoulder to stop him from leaving, more regret in his eyes than determination.

"Dean, I don't want to have to hurt you," Cas said, as Dean stared him down.

"I don't think that's gonna be a problem," Dean said in a cold, emotionless voice. Before grabbing Cas' hand from his shoulder and wrenching it around until something cracked in his shoulder. Cas never even tried to fight back as Dean threw him around, delivering blow after punishing blow before he smashed his head repeatedly into a table and threw him to the ground, straddling him before he could get up and yanking the angel blade from his sleeve.

He raised it as Cas, bloodied and nearly unconscious, reached up to grip Dean's arm. "No, Dean," he whispered, voice barely audible through the blood that seeped past his lips. "Please."

And then the blow that would have ended his life, which Dean—for reasons he still didn't know—slammed into a book beside his head instead before he left the bunker.

Dean felt like he was going to be sick. He didn't remember everything from his time going 'dark side', but this he had. He just hadn't realized exactly how bad, how violent, it had been. But he had pounded a freaking angel into the floor after all. Although the part that bothered him most was the fact that Cas never once fought back.

"He still wouldn't hurt you, even though you were more monster than anything at the time," Gabriel said. "He should have ended your life right there, put you out of your misery—hell, I would, easy. But he didn't. That's the friend you left in the lurch too many times to count, the one who you made to think he wasn't wanted."

"I know," Dean said quietly.

"No, you don't!" Gabriel raised his voice, jabbing a finger into Dean's chest as he shouted. "He put you before the whole friggin' world! That's the kind of dick move he learned from you and Sam! And you still didn't recognize it!"

Dean swallowed hard, looking away and rubbing a hand over his face. It was true.

"No matter how many sacrifices he made for you, no matter how many times he stood by you when no one else would, not once did you really return the favor. And it all culminated into this. Him saying yes to Lucifer and killing himself for you—again!"

"I know," Dean said in a weighted voice and Sam nodded beside him, his eyes cast down.

"I hope you do," Gabriel said. "Because I will make you sorry for it. I am the Trickster after all, and boy, when my little brother is involved, that time loop where you died every day is going to look like Disneyland to what I—"

Gabriel suddenly stopped talking. Dean almost wanted to comment wryly on this miracle when he saw the archangel putting a hand to his head, worry clouding his eyes.

"What is it?" Sam asked him, frowning.

"Cas, he's…he's slipping further," he shook his head before glancing up at the brothers. "We're losing him."

 


	7. Chapter 7

"What?" Dean demanded, stepping forward. "What does that mean?"

Gabriel gave him a half-hearted eye roll. "Use your brain, hotshot, it means he's dying, okay?"

Dean and Sam cast a horrified look at each other. "What do we do?"

"Get back to him," Gabriel said and snapped his fingers.

They were suddenly back at the bunker, feeling like it had been a million years since they had left. Dean felt slightly woozy, but he didn't waste any time in heading toward the room they had left Cas in, Sam right on his heels. Gabriel was already there when they pushed through the door and they watched anxiously as the archangel stood by the bed, one hand on Cas' forehead, his eyes closed as if concentrating. A warm blue glow emanated from under his palm that only made Cas look even more pale and gaunt—and boy, did he look terrible. Worse than he had earlier. There were new spatters of blood on his chin and the pillows next to him. Sam and Dean approached cautiously as Gabriel pulled his hand back with a sigh, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Is he all right?" Sam asked as Dean stepped up to Cas, touching his throat to feel for a pulse. He didn't know what that would do, if it even mattered, but it made him feel a little better to feel something there, though the labored gasps that jerked Cas' chest up and down in a shaky pantomime of breathing had already told him he was still alive. Barely, anyway. And the funny thing was, he hadn't thought angels necessarily needed to breathe. So if Cas was having trouble breathing, he must be really in a bad way and that made Dean even more worried.

"He's still alive at the moment," Gabriel said. "But he's fading fast."

"Can you fix him?" Sam asked quietly as Dean silently went to the bathroom across the hall and wet a cloth. He came back and began to wipe the blood from Cas' mouth.

Gabriel gestured helplessly. "I told you before it's even beyond my skills. I might be able to heal his body fully once I'm back up to full power myself—the fight hurt a little more than expected. But that's only if he will allow it, but it wouldn't make him wake up. At the moment, he's doing his best to block my ministrations."

"Dammit, Gabriel," Dean finally spoke, turning around, guilt eating through him and making him sick to his stomach. They had abandoned Cas too many times. It was plain to see now, and he couldn't stand the thought of seeing Cas slip away, because of them. Not this time. Not again. Not thinking of those things Gabriel had shown them. If that was all Cas remembered of them…Dean didn't think he could live with the thought of that being the only thing in Cas' head when he died. All the things they had done to their friend had been inexcusable. They needed time to set things straight to make sure Cas knew they didn't think of him like that. That he wasn't a burden.

"You gotta do something," the elder Winchester told the archangel helplessly, throwing the cloth down on the side table.

Gabriel eyed him judgingly. "You're feeling guilty. That's good, that's what I wanted. But it's not enough to save Cas. You can't just bring him back because you want to feel better about yourselves. You'd just end up back at square one again—if I let you live that long, anyway."

"Then what?" Sam asked with a hopeless expression. "If that's the case then you just wasted time we could have spent figuring out what to do for Cas!"

"It wasn't for nothing," Gabriel snapped and then sighed. "Do I have to do everything for you two numb-nuts? You've gotta want him back because you need him—not for his powers but for his winning personality. Because he's family, and I know you two know what that means. I mean, hell, you dragged each other out of the best lives you've had and back from the dead to be together. IMHO kind of creepily co-dependent, but dedicated, at least. Cas is your friend, you dicks, and while I think he's an idiot for sticking around with you all these years, I can understand, and believe it or not, I can kind of—vaguely—see what he sees in you. I mean, I guess someone who went and hung out with Team Pagan can't really judge, right? And despite the moments of psychological abuse, you were around for him when no one else was, and yeah, partly he was too stubborn to ask for help, but you know what that's like. And I guess in a way, that's what family is all about. I should know."

"What are you getting at?" Dean asked half-heartedly. "Because, I swear, Gabriel, I am so not in the mood."

"Geez, you two are dense. Another refresher, then?" Gabriel groaned. "All right, try this one on for size."

Sam and Dean started to protest before Gabriel touched their foreheads and a collection of various scenes flowed through their heads. But these were different than the last ones he had shown them. These were clips of better times. And sure, there weren't exactly a ton of them, but there were enough. And that was what really mattered.

_The three of them sitting in the Impala, radio blasting and Dean singing along unashamedly, Sam and Cas both with annoyed creases between their brows. That time Dean had taken Cas to the brothel, dragging him out the back in a hasty retreat as he couldn't stop laughing, and Cas laughing along even if he wasn't sure why. The Impala parked out in an open field at night, as they sat, Sam and Dean on the hood and Cas on the roof, sharing beers and looking up at the stars, an expression of peace on all their faces. Sam and Cas talking about a book they were both reading while Dean rolled his eyes and called them nerds. Sam and Dean trying to hold in laughter as they watched Bobby teach Cas how to play poker and not realizing how quickly the angel had picked up counting cards, getting the best hand each time. Dean and Cas bent under the hood of that piece of crap Continental the angel seemed too attached to, the hunter showing him how to fix it. Sitting at the table and laughing with Charlie, a good memory despite the fact it was before everything went to hell. Fishing together, sitting on the side of a lake. Showing Cas Star Wars for the first time. Dean, a genuine smile of relief on his face, as he found Cas in Purgatory and went to embrace him, and Cas felt that maybe he had been forgiven after all. Sam pulling Cas into an awkward, yet heartfelt hug, even though they had failed trying to use Gadreel's leftover grace for a tracking spell. The three of them sleeping off huge hangovers in the den of the bunker on New Year's Day, all of them snoring uproariously over some day time talk show and not regretting a thing…_

More and more images flooded their minds, until finally the two Winchesters resurfaced, feeling warmth spreading through their chests. That of the love of family; of true friendship that could beat all odds and had, if not without a few rough patches. One worth saving, one worth doing anything to protect and defend. The two brothers looked at each other with unashamed tears in their eyes. They knew they had wronged the best friend they had ever had, and now, they were going to put it right.

"Oh for the love of…you saps," Gabriel said, but there was something in his voice; not quite a fondness, but an acceptance, maybe. "Glad the point seemed to get across though. No more guilt, just the feels left?"

Dean was about to reply with something snarky, when a ragged gasp sounded from the bed. They turned to see Cas' chest shuddering before his whole body spasmed with a wet, weak cough, fresh blood spraying from his lips. Gabriel bent over him instantly, one hand on the side of his face, the other on his chest.

"Castiel, hey, little bro, don't you dare, okay? Not now, I just spent the last couple hours with these mooks trying to get them to see reason."

"Cas," Dean called, he and Sam leaning over Gabriel. Sam took one of Cas' hands and Dean rested a hand on his knee. "Hey, buddy, come on."

"Please wake up, Cas," Sam said.

"Damn," Gabriel said quietly as he put his hand to Cas' forehead. "We're losing him, and yet somehow he's still got enough stubbornness to block my ministrations."

"Why?" Sam asked, horrified as he looked down at the suffering angel.

"Best guess? He's letting himself die for the greater good," Gabriel said then scowled down at Cas, talking louder. "But it's not gonna be a clean death, you get that right, Castiel? It's gonna be slow and messy and you may as well let me heal you, you stupid featherbrain."

"What do we do?" Dean asked, panic settling into his chest. No, not now. They couldn't lose Cas now.

"You need to get through to him, give him something to fight for," Gabriel told them, running a hand soothingly through his younger brother's sweat-soaked hair and wiping the fresh blood from his mouth with a thumb.

"How?" Sam asked.

"Pray to him," Gabriel said simply then reluctantly stepped back. "I'll even give you some privacy so you're not influenced by my presence. But do it now. He doesn't have long." And with that he walked out the door, closing it behind him.

Sam and Dean looked at each other with pained expressions, then took up positions, Sam sitting cross-legged on the bed beside Cas, and Dean pulling a chair over to the side. They each took one of Cas' hands and squeezed.

They looked at each other over the struggling form of their friend and finally Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Cas—Castiel, hey. It's Dean. So, you're really bad off right now, and I hope you can hear me, and I know I might not be the person you want to hear right now given…various…events, but I need you to listen, okay? You can't check out yet, we don't get that luxury." He amended that, because it sounded a little harsh. "I mean, the three of us, Cas? We're one unit, Team Free Will, remember? We can't lose you, buddy, we wouldn't know what to do." He looked at Sam hopelessly, as they saw no change in their angel and the younger brother pressed his lips together into a worried line before he started speaking.

"Castiel," he said gently, "we're really sorry for what happened, I am so sorry. I guess we never really realized everything you have gone through for us and because of us. But, see, Gabriel showed us some things and it made us realize that, while we may have always thought of you as a friend, as part of our little family, we never really did treat you like that, did we? Not where it mattered."

Dean took a deep breath and continued. "We were dicks, to put it mildly. But we're gonna change that. Starting now, when you wake up, and man, you have to wake up, okay? I mean it, Cas. I know why you said yes to Lucifer, I know you got it into your head that you were…expendable." He swallowed hard as he said it and saw Sam's hand tighten around the angel's. "But you were never expendable, and Sam and I should have made sure you knew that."

"You were always there for us, Cas," Sam continued. "Even when we were sure we were going to die bloody, you never abandoned us. You are definitely not expendable. I know you were there for Dean when I was…having some issues, and you were always there for me when Dean was struggling with the Mark and got turned into a demon, and I'm so sorry I didn't realize how much you were suffering then. We need you, and I know you seem to have inherited our affinity for sacrificing yourself to save each other and to save the world, but Dean and I already realized that it's not worth it, and I think we need to extend the pact we made to you too. From now on, we talk things out. No secrets, no hidden feelings or concerns. We're a family, and we shouldn't be scared to talk to each other when we're having problems. Because our silence is the one thing that always caused things to fall apart in the past."

"And you really are the last bit of family we have left, Cas," Dean told him. "We already lost Ellen and Jo and Bobby and Kevin and Charlie…we can't lose you too." He reached out with his other hand and settled it on the side of Cas' neck, the same motion he always used with Sam. "You're our brother, Cas, we need you."

Castiel's breath hitched and he suddenly gave a rattling cough. Dean hurriedly slipped an arm under his shoulders to raise him a bit, but the angel's head only lolled in the crook of his arm as he coughed some more blood onto Dean's sleeve. Dean looked up at Sam worriedly as Cas' breathing seemed to worsen. Sam grabbed another pillow and put it behind Cas' shoulders to prop him up a bit as Dean laid him back down.

"Okay, Cas this is how it is," Dean said firmly yet not unkindly as he wiped the blood from his friend's parted lips, wincing at the greyish pallor that had come over Cas' face as he continued to wheeze. "I am not gonna let you die because you got it into your head that you were so worthless you should be the one who sacrifices your life for the greater good. You are better than all of us, always have been. You're a freakin' angel of the Lord, Cas. You may not think you deserve that title anymore, but let me tell you that you are better than all those other winged dicks up there. So what if you tried to be God or were duped into casting the angels out? You helped stop the apocalypse, you rebelled against heaven because you knew what the other angels were doing wasn't right, and you stood up for Sam and believed he could stop Lucifer when no one else would. And then you did everything you could to fix heaven because you were the only one who cared, and sure, you made a few mistakes, bit off more than you could chew, but that's what happens when you try to fix things, they just end up screwing you and everything else. We all know that, hell, that's why the Darkness got out in the first place. And even that—you still went along with Sam's plans and took the Mark off of me, even though you knew it was a bad idea and you were right. But Cas, it wasn't your mess to fix, it was never your mess to fix and yet you still did it anyway, you stupid son of a bitch." Dean's voice shook with emotion, but he wasn't going to stop now. "Hell, we're not worth it, Cas. Everything you've been through, all the crap that has happened to you, has only been because of us. And then we go and treat you like shit, and I have no idea why you've even bothered sticking around all these years." Dean smiled wryly as tears pooled in his eyes. "You know, Bobby always said 'family is supposed to make you miserable'. I guess he was right, as usual. Maybe you listened to him too much, because it certainly doesn't mean we have to make each other miserable. But hell, Cas, I am sorry for everything, and I don't just mean that as a piss-poor apology like I usually give. I just wish there was something more I could say. But man, you can't check out now. Not when I spent all this time having this giant chick flick moment in front of my brother and probably a snarky archangel eavesdropping outside the door." Sam smiled through his own tears as Dean said that, but the elder Winchester ignored him, focusing on Cas. "It comes down to this: We need to start over, square one, staring as soon as you decide to open your eyes, because everything that's happened in the past, all the mistakes, need to end now. You hear me, Cas? Come back so we can fix things. I can't let you go like this, not thinking we don't care, because, man, I know I don't show it, but I care a hell of a lot. You are my best friend, and my brother in everything but blood—you're family. So you come back, Cas. Just…come back." He watched Cas' face for a long time, half expecting, hoping, that the angel would open his eyes, but there was no movement. In fact, he looked even worse than he had previously.

Dean stood and brought both hands up, running them through his hair before resting them behind his head, teeth gritted in distress. "Damn it, Cas," he said shakily, pacing several steps, unable to stay still anymore.

"Dean," Sam said suddenly and his brother turned to see the younger Winchester bent over Cas, still clutching his hand tightly, his other on the side of the angel's neck. Dean flew over to the bed, and bent to see what Sam was seeing, hope stuttering in his chest, wanting to grow, but not wanting to risk it.

Dean wasn't sure what he was seeing at first; he saw Cas' throat bob and thought he would start coughing again, but then he spotted wet tracks down his cheeks and watched as another tear slid from beneath the angel's closed eyelid. His heart squeezed in his chest.

"Cas?" he asked softly, cupping the side of the angel's face and held his breath as he saw Cas' eyes flutter open, revealing the clouded yet sentient blue eyes. A sigh of relief whooshed out of Dean as his head slumped between his shoulders.

"Cas, thank God," Sam said, grinning as he squeezed the angel's shoulder fondly.

"Sam, Dean," Cas whispered. It was barely more than a breath, but it brought on a new coughing fit that was far more violent than the ones previously and new terror filled the Winchesters as they watched their friend gasping for breath as blood bubbled from between his lips.

Dean hurriedly pulled him up against his chest, trying to make it easier for Cas to breathe and looked frantically at Sam. "Get Gabriel." He patted Cas' back as the angel fought for breath, still coughing. One hand came up to weakly clutch at the arm Dean had braced around his chest, but the fingers seemed to have no strength. He started wheezing.

"Hey, hey," Dean murmured, turning Cas around slightly, cupping his face with one hand to try to catch his eyes, but the angel wouldn't open his, still fighting for breath. His heart was fluttering weakly against Dean's arm. "You're gonna be okay, Cas, it's not that bad." He swallowed as he realized he was repeating something similar to what he had said when he held a dying Sam in his arms so long ago now. "We're gonna figure it out, Cas. I'm not gonna let you go." The angel whimpered as blood dribbled down his chin and Dean hurriedly wiped it away, pulling his friend into a tighter hold as if that would somehow keep him there longer.

The door flew open and he looked up frantically at Gabriel who instantly crossed the room and pulled Cas from Dean's arms into his own, cradling the lesser angel across his lap as if he were no more than a fledgling.

"Okay, featherhead, here's how it goes," Gabriel told him as he held up his hand, a warm glow emanating from his palm. "You're going to stop being stubborn and let me heal what I can, okay, sport? I'm with these losers on this one, I'm not gonna lose you now, kiddo."

Cas let out another whimper and turned his face toward Gabriel, eyes slitting open only slightly before he exhaled and let his forehead slump against Gabriel's chest. The archangel smiled. "Good choice." He settled his hand on Cas' chest, and the light engulfed the wounded angel, causing his body to stiffen. It lasted for several seconds before Gabriel pulled his hand away, looking drained and holding a limp Cas in his arms. Sam and Dean approached cautiously.

"Is he healed now?" Sam asked.

Gabriel was silent as he picked Cas up and arranged him on the bed properly again, pulling the blankets up to his chin. "I wasn't able to heal everything, though not because he wouldn't let me—the damage Lucifer did to his vessel was extensive. Honestly I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did. It likely had something to do with the fact that Cas took over his original vessel's body as his own, otherwise, it probably wouldn't have been able to sustain Lucifer for that long."

"But he'll be okay now?" Sam asked as he saw Dean was unable to say anything, a haunted look still on his face. Sam felt a little sick as he saw Cas' blood on Dean's clothes.

Gabriel hesitated. "He's not out of the woods yet. It's going to be a long process. He has to complete the rest of the healing himself, and he doesn't have the strength to right now. If he can make it through the next twenty-four hours, he might have a chance."

"So he could still die, even after everything?" Dean demanded.

"It depends on whether Cas feels like he has something to live for. It's all up to him now," Gabriel said more solemnly than they had ever heard him say anything.

"Well, then I guess we'll just have to help convince him even more." Dean took up his seat once again and Sam pulled another one up at his side. The two Winchesters sat close, shoulders touching, as they watched over their angel, the third brother in their motley family, as Dean just started talking about the past, about all the good times they'd had together and the crazy things they had done. He and Sam laughed and reminisced late into the night, until their voices were raw, and their eyes were barely staying open, but if that was what it took to convince Cas that he was loved, that he was wanted, then they would do it for a hundred more days. Because family didn't abandon each other, and they were determined to make sure Cas knew that this time.

This was square one. This was their fresh start, and they were going to make sure it worked.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Gabriel listened to Sam and Dean's stories, smiling at some of them, and raising surprised eyebrows at others, overall pleased that his little intervention seemed to have jarred the idiots into action. But a knot of worry still stayed in his gut for Castiel. He had been serious when he told the Winchesters that he wasn't out of the woods yet, in fact, he wasn't even sure if Cas was going to make it, conviction or not. The way his essence had felt when he healed him…well, let's just say a run in with a paper-shredder, shortly followed by a meat grinder, was putting it mildly. It wasn't only that Lucifer had worn his physical form to the point where he had been nearly flayed from the inside out, it was that the fallen archangel had also taken generously from his grace, and what small amount of power Castiel still possessed; probably why Lucifer had been able to so thoroughly catalogue his memories, because Gabriel was sure Cas hadn't given them up willingly.

Gabriel wasn't sure Cas would be able to get back to full power at all. Not if he didn't even have all of his grace to begin with after Metatron took most of it for the spell. He may have been able to repair most of the physical damage, but he hadn't been able to heal the damage done to Castiel's grace, and it was a stuttering flame at best. He thought Castiel might even be worse off than when he had fallen the first time, when Gabriel had—admittedly—thrown him around in his TV land pocket dimension. Angels didn't just grow grace back. Once it was gone, it was gone. He knew that if—when—Castiel woke up, he was going to have to face the fact he might be mostly human with a little bit of bang on the side. He only hoped it wouldn't be the final push in his current battle with self-worth that would send him over the edge.

Of course, now that he had opened the eyes of the Wonder Twins to his situation, Gabriel figured they would make sure Cas got the care he needed. And besides, he was planning on sticking around himself. At least after he had cleaned up the mess in heaven—because that was totally going to be his job from now on, not Castiel's—he was finally going to bite the bullet and do his job. Play his roll. And, ha, didn't he see the irony in that after drilling it into the Winchesters' heads all those years ago. But he would keep an eye on the kid, and maybe pop in for Friday night poker or movie nights at the bunker. Maybe he could even score an elusive invite into Team Free Will since he had kinda helped save the world with those losers. Not that he'd ever mention it to them, but he kinda liked the idea. They really needed matching t-shirts or something.

But there was a long road before that, and the first thing they had to do was get Cas through this alive. He had to give the kid marks for hanging on this long, but he knew the reality was that even if Cas had found a reason to stick around now, there was no guarantee his body wouldn't just collapse and give up on him. Gabriel was going to do everything he could to make sure that didn't happen, but he wasn't exactly a physician either and he wasn't sure he fully trusted any of the other angels enough to bring them in to help Cas just yet.

Eventually, he heard the Winchesters' voices trail off sometime late into the night and when he wandered into the room, he saw they had nodded off with their heads on the bed, unable to stay awake another minute. Gabriel touched their foreheads and sent them to their own beds—or maybe he just let them cuddle up in one, because, hey, he still had to have some amusement. Maybe he would wander in and snap a picture later for blackmail. But right now, he took up the position in the chair beside Cas, kicking his feet up on the bed and tipping his chair back on two legs.

He reached out and put a hand to Cas' forehead, feeling a bit of fever, and then laid it on his chest, closing his eyes as he took stock of the damage in his body. It still felt like a war zone in there—or more appropriately a war zone after months of trench warfare. Gabriel sighed and pulled his hand back up, gripping Cas' chin and turning his face towards him before settling his hand on the top of his head.

"Okay, kiddo, this is how it goes. I'm not gonna let you die, I'll bring you back myself if I have to, but that's kind of redundant, so why don't we just skip that part this time, hm? See, Sam and Dean aren't the only ones who would be upset to lose you now, I kinda would too. I mean, I just got back, you can't expect me to lose one of my favorite little bros, can you, especially since there's so few of the good ones left? Pretty much the only ones left up there are the dicks I always hated seeing at family reunions, you know those. So long story short, we gotta stick together, featherhead, I'm too fond of you, you rebel you. But don't tell the Winchesters I said that, I'm kind of trying to lay low on the emotional scale, ya know? Now, I can't do a whole lot more for you, and I know you're hurting, but you gotta fight it, because if any one can, it's you. I mean, come on, you've cheated death more than me, and that's saying something." He cocked his head to one side, waiting for an answer and then when he didn't get one, he sighed theatrically. "All right, well, I'll keep talking to keep you company, and you can listen if you want to. How about I tell you about my time in Asgard? Wild parties, let me tell you. The food, the fighting, the mead…the women. There was this one Valkyrie I dated—in case you don't know, that's kinda forbidden, which makes it all the better—and one night I decided to sneak her in to see Odin's horse Sleipnir…."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean woke up without having realized he had fallen asleep. It was probably the deepest sleep he'd had in months, and he came to consciousness slowly, extremely comfortable and feeling actually rested. He opened his eyes…

And realized he had a face full of Sam's hair.

As if that wasn't horrible enough, he also realized he had his arm draped across his brother's waist. He gave a horrified grunt and quickly rolled off the other side, vacating the bed and spitting out hair and rubbing the heebs and jeebs from his body. What. The. Hell. And then he remembered falling asleep next to Cas' bed the night before, or he must have, because he didn't remember anything after that.

"Gabriel," he cursed angrily. He was going to kill that feathered douchbag. This had him written all over it. At least he'd had the grace not to make Dean the little spoon.

But he soon forgot his damaged pride as he remembered the bad state Cas had been in the night before. He checked his watch and saw it was nearly noon, and hurried down the hall to the room they had put Cas in—Cas' room. Or at least it would be once all this was over. Because Cas was going to make it, and dammit, he was going to have a room.

The door was ajar and he pushed it open, stepping inside. Gabriel sat beside the bed, eating a candy bar—and not his first if the plethora of wrappers surrounding his chair were any indication. Dean frowned.

"Dude, are those from my stash in the top right kitchen cupboard?"

Gabriel looked up at him unapologetically as he continued to chew, balling up the last candy wrapper and flicking it so that it landed at Dean's feet. The elder Winchester glared at him.

"Sleep well?" Gabriel asked innocently.

"Bite me," Dean growled but his gaze softened when he turned to look at Cas. He frowned as he saw one of his hands, lying palm upward, had been decorated with a different little face on each fingertip. Gabriel must have found a marker too. But he was finally looking a little more pink, and not so sickeningly grey. Of course the flush could just be from the fever.

"How is he?"

Gabriel finished chewing before he answered. "He's still alive. I think he might have managed to hold on long enough. I can feel his grace starting to stir again, but he won't be totally out of the woods until I know he's able to heal himself."

Dean swallowed hard and took the second chair, sitting down and rubbing a hand through his hair. "So, there's nothing we can do?"

Gabriel shook his head. "Even I can't heal him completely, it's kind of a case of not enough left to work with. His grace is like that favorite pair of jeans that eventually has too many holes to even patch." He turned to face Dean. "I'm going to be blunt, there's no way he's going to recover fully from this."

Dean felt a vice tighten around his chest. "What do you mean?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes slightly. "I'm not saying he's going to be Mr. Comatose all the time, don't worry. What I'm saying is that he's not going to be up to full power. He hasn't been for a long time since his stint as a human, but with what Lucifer used up, he's going to be pretty much at the same point he was during the apocalypse."

Dean looked at his unconscious friend and swallowed hard. "So, he's going to pretty much be human?"

"More or less," Gabriel said. "I mean, he'll still have some angelic qualities—and I'm sure he'll always have that strange personality, but, yeah, he's going to be pulling more weight than usual. Maybe even sleeping and eating on occasion."

Dean was silent as he processed this. He knew there was no reversal this time. No dying and coming back at full power, and obviously, there was no more of his grace to put back in him anyway. It looked like Cas' new state was permanent. He only hoped the angel would be okay with that. Scratch that, he and Sam would make sure he was okay with that, that he knew it didn't make any difference to them. There would be no kicking him out of the bunker to fend for himself this time. No pushing him aside for the sake of the 'bigger problem'. In a way, this was a do-over for all of them. He hated the idea of Cas having to go through this, but if they actually managed to do it right this time, then maybe it would be the second chance they all needed to start fresh. Like he said the night before: square one.

"I don't need to tell you that he's going to need more looking after," Gabriel said, casting a sideways glance at Dean.

The hunter cleared his throat and nodded. "No, definitely. Sam and I will do everything we can for him. Hopefully, we'll do something right this time."

Gabriel turned to hide the satisfied smirk that spread over his lips. "Well, at least this lesson hit home better than the one about playing your rolls in the apocalypse."

"That was a stupid idea," Dean told him blandly.

"Good idea, wrong people," Gabriel defended, holding up a finger. "And, okay, admittedly poor execution. I guess I didn't realize how stubborn you two really were. But I kinda liked you better for it in the end."

"So what are you gonna do now?" Dean asked.

The archangel shrugged. "Play hooky for a little longer and stay here until Cas gets back on his feet. Then I guess I have to go back home."

Dean raised his eyebrows. "You okay with that?"

"I kinda have to be. There's no one else. Besides, I think it's high time there was a little new blood up there."

Dean nodded slowly. "Well, if you need any support…"

"I—think I'm going to stick to handling this myself," Gabriel said quickly. "No offence, but every time you two stick your thumbs in, the pie has a habit of exploding. You just stay down here and do what you do best—saving people, hunting things, all that jazz."

Dean had to smirk. He wasn't entirely wrong. The door creaked open and Dean turned to see Sam standing there, bleary-eyed and rubbing his face.

"Hey," he greeted with a yawn. "How's Cas?"

"Pretty much unchanged," Dean told him. "But not worse."

Sam scrunched his face up in worry as he sat on the foot of the bed, and he too frowned at the smiley faces drawn on Cas' fingertips. Dean stood up. "I think we need some coffee and breakfast. I'll get that figured out and you can sit here and wake up a little. You don't look qualified to use the stove right now."

Sam took the seat Dean vacated with a furrowed brow. "Yeah, I must have slept good last night. I just can't figure out how I ended up with a patch of drool on the back of my shoulder."

"Yeah, weird." Dean beat a hasty retreat.

After they had eaten, they decided to take shifts with watching over Cas. He pretty much stayed the same throughout the day, though on a couple occasions, he shifted and made noises of discomfort. They didn't know whether that was a good thing or not. He was obviously still in pain, and he was running a fever, though Gabriel had reported that at least his body seemed to have started healing itself, if not very sluggishly. That gave them all a bit of relief. Now Cas at least seemed to be on the road to recovery. How long that recovery would take, though, was anyone's guess.

It was three long days of sitting by his bedside in turns. Gabriel watched him through the night while the Winchesters slept and Sam and Dean took alternating shifts throughout the day while Gabriel went out, checking for any stirrings from the aftermath of their fight with Amara and cleaning up anything that looked like it could be a problem. Luckily Crowley was back in his position as King of Hell, and was too busy working on cleaning up the mess Lucifer had made to do anything remotely problematic. He did somehow catch wind of Cas' convalescence and sent a flower arrangement. Sam didn't trust him enough to put it in Cas' room though.

They never left Cas alone, whether they were silent, talking to him, or in Sam's case, reading him books. Dean was just worried they might not be doing enough to help him. If he was mostly human, did he need more care, medicine, even an IV drip? At least he wasn't coughing up blood anymore, and the corrupted patches of skin where his vessel had been burning away from having to contain Lucifer were fading, becoming just scabs, so he was healing, just very, painfully, slowly. Pretty much at human speed.

It was the evening of the fourth day since they had defeated Amara, and Dean was watching Cas while Sam made dinner. He was sitting back, reading a magazine when he caught a twitch from Cas out of the corner of his eye, followed up by a soft moan. He instantly sat up, leaning over the angel, a hand resting on his forearm, squeezing slightly.

"Cas, hey buddy, you can do it, open your eyes," he coaxed, praying this was finally Cas waking up and not just him having another bout of pain. His skin didn't feel quite as hot anymore, and his face scrunched up as if he weren't sure he wanted to wake up.

"Come on, dude," Dean kept talking, trying to keep his voice light as he pinched the angel's arm slightly. "You've been sleeping long enough."

And then finally, Cas' eyelids fluttered and he blinked them open warily, his blue eyes roaming around the room as if unfocused, all the while Dean held his breath, until they finally stopped on the elder Winchester and Dean couldn't help but break into a grin.

"Dean?" Cas barely whispered, his voice rough.

Dean didn't know what to say so he just leaned forward and pulled his friend—his brother—into an embrace. "Welcome back," he whispered.


	9. Chapter 9

Castiel let out a small uncomfortable noise in reaction to Dean's embrace, his body feeling like it was made of only broken glass and tissue paper, but he didn't protest, and weakly grabbed a handful of Dean's flannel shirt, making sure this was indeed reality. He had to admit he was a bit confused. He wasn't entirely sure of the events that had led to this point, and wondered why Dean seemed so unbelievably happy he had woken up.

Dean finally pulled back, laying him gently against the pillows again before he ducked his head and did that quick movement with the back of his hand he always did when he didn't want anyone to know he was crying. Then he was on his feet and calling out the door for Sam. The younger man came running in, a worried expression on his face, but when Dean nodded toward the bed his face lit up with relief and he hurried over.

"Cas! Thank God, are you all right?" He too stooped and gave Cas an awkward hug, a little more considerate than Dean had been of his state, but it was just as welcome to the angel who was feeling a bit bewildered, and bleary.

After that followed a flurry of activity, where Sam helped prop him up with pillows behind his back, and Dean hurried to get him a glass of water for which he was very thankful, the cold liquid feeling glorious on his raw throat.

"We were really worried, Cas," Sam said finally once they had settled down again in the chairs. Seeing Sam with that sympathetic crease in his brow, and Dean with that hovering elder brother trait put a warm glow into Castiel's chest that he wasn't sure he should actually be feeling. There were so many thoughts jumbled up together in his head, he wasn't sure which to believe. He wasn't even sure if they were all true, or partly dreams, because certainly some had happened while he was unconscious. He remembered the feeling he had when he had said yes to Lucifer, that feeling of worthlessness, of needing to do something to pull his weight, of being expendable. And then all the memories Lucifer had drudged up, had pulled out of his mind against his will and tortured him with while they had been stuck together. Those made him sick to his stomach. He had come to terms with most of them over the years, but having them thrown in his face with the manipulative commentary of the fallen archangel, he had been made to feel those horrible feelings all over again. And then there had been the other ones. The familiar voices, Sam and Dean, talking to him for hours; first with apologies and pleading that he stay, and then with stories, some of which he had forgotten, but they had been good stories, and had worked to replace the memories Lucifer had dragged to the fore. He furrowed his brow as he looked from first one Winchester to the other.

Sam seemed to see his confusion and smiled kindly. "What do you remember, Cas?"

He frowned. "I…remember Lucifer. Defeating the Darkness, and…coming back here afterward." Here he glanced at Dean briefly and the pain that showed on the elder Winchester's face made his stomach turn. "After that, not much, though…" he closed his eyes, trying to make sense of the time he was unconscious. "Did you…pray to me? I heard you while I was sleeping, I think…"

"Yes," Sam said eagerly. "We did, do you remember what we talked about?"

Castiel thought back. "You didn't want me to go, but I…I wasn't so sure for a long time."

Dean cleared his throat. "So, what changed your mind?"

Castiel frowned, not really sure how to say exactly what it had been. "I…guess I just realized that maybe I had interpreted things badly, and I didn't want to leave before I could figure out if I was wrong or not."

Sam and Dean shared a look and Sam reached out to grasp Cas' hand in his, offering him a smile. "We'll talk more about it later when you're feeling better, okay, Cas?"

"Yeah," Dean agreed, clearing his throat, and scrubbing a hand over his eyes again. "We've got a lot to talk about."

The door opened then and Castiel looked up to see Gabriel lounging in the doorway, his typical nonchalant smirk on his lips, but Cas could see the relief underneath it too as the archangel saw him awake. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty. You finally decide to join the land of the living?"

"Gabriel," Castiel replied, managing a small smile as the archangel stepped over to the bed and ruffled a hand fondly through his hair, like he had when Cas was a fledgling. That brought back more warm memories that Cas collected into a mental box, tucking them away and shelving at the forefront of his thoughts while he continued to work on locking the others, the bad ones, away as they had been before Lucifer had broke them out.

"You look like crap," Gabriel said dryly before he turned to the Winchesters. "I saved the soup, by the way, you left it boiling on the stove. Why don't you two go grab some of that, and make a bowl for Cas too, he should have some."

Sam and Dean looked reluctant to leave but Gabriel was brooking no arguments. The archangel took a seat next to Castiel on the side of the bed.

"How are you feeling?" Gabriel asked. "And don't lie to me."

Castiel gave a long sigh. "Truthfully? I feel like I've been torn apart from the inside out and stapled back together wrong. Everything hurts, I feel heavy, and…and human." This last admission made him slump, and if possible feel even worse.

"Yikes, can't say I've had that hangover," Gabriel said. "Well, it's understandable. Luci took some huge chunks out of you, and he rode you hard, put you away wet." He sighed and leaned over with his elbows on his knees, serious now. "So we need to talk. Starting with why you tried to block me from healing you."

Castiel looked down at his lap, hands clenching in the blankets as a sick feeling spread through his chest. "I—I don't know."

"Yes, you do," Gabriel informed him. "And I already know I'm not gonna like the answer so spit it out."

Castiel swallowed hard around his tight throat, and spoke, still looking at his lap. "I didn't plan on surviving the fight, Gabriel. I think…I think for a while I didn't want to survive it. Everything that's happened because of me, everything I've done…"

"Everything you've done?" Gabriel repeated blandly. "Like help save the world a few times? Look, I already gave those chuckleheads in there the talk for letting you get to the point of feeling like this, but now I think you need a talk too. I watched you grow up Cassie, I know you're stronger than that!"

"It has been a very hard few years," Castiel told him tiredly.

"So? Life is pain! Anyone who says different is selling something," Gabriel shrugged before he ducked down to and meet Castiel's eyes. "You don't still feel that way, do you?"

Castiel was silent but he shook his head. "No, I don't think so."

"Well, good, because I swear, Castiel, if you ever try to refuse healing from me again, if you ever want to give up, I will personally make every minute left of your miserable life, a living hell."

Castiel finally looked up at him in surprise at the vehemence in his voice, and a little indignation. It seemed to be just the reaction Gabriel had been looking for because he smiled slightly before shaking his head.

"I know I haven't been here, Cassie, and I'm sorry—yeah, this is me actually apologizing for once, I know, shocker. I shouldn't have left all those centuries ago, and I shouldn't have gotten myself killed and left all that post-apocalyptic mess for you to clean up. It's really my fault, you know, that you had to do all the bad things to try and fix heaven."

"You were dead, Gabriel, you couldn't exactly do anything," Castiel said kindly.

"Yeah, we'll I'm also the freaking Trickster, so I should have been able to at least do something," Gabriel scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "But I guess you're right, it's all in the past. I just thought I should apologize as well."

"I've already forgiven you," Castiel told him sincerely.

Gabriel smiled. "Well, thanks, little bro. But there's something else we need to talk about too. You want the truth, Cas?"

Castiel nodded reluctantly, unease clenching in his guts.

"Your grace is almost depleted," Gabriel told him as gently as possible. "You've been out for four days and I had to do most of the healing for you. The hard truth is that you're not going to be at full power again, even when you're done healing. This one really took it out of you, little bro."

Castiel looked down at his lap, taking stock of the bandages wrapped around his chest, half hidden with blankets, and contemplated his position. He had expected it. Well, actually, he had expected to die in the final fight, and hopefully take Lucifer with him so he couldn't hurt Sam and Dean. He had been ready to die, and then they had somehow, inexplicably, called him back, and now he wasn't sure if he should regret listening or not.

"Hey," Gabriel slapped his knee, startling him out of his dark thoughts. "I know that look, and don't you dare go there, little brother. You're gonna survive this. Because are you a survivor? Hells, yeah. And really, it's not so bad after all, is it? You do have practice."

"It's very hard to be human," Castiel said, not really wanting to remember that time of his life.

Gabriel made a dismissive sound. "Psh, sure, because normal humans do such a good job of it. And none of them get a second chance at it. Look, you're not going to be alone this time; you got me, and you got those two losers out there and we're gonna take care of you whether you like it or not. But we'll talk more about that later. Right now, you're gonna eat some soup, and then you're gonna go to sleep." He stood up and cast a look over his shoulder at the door before he bent and pulled Castiel into a gentle hug, infusing a little healing into the motion before he pulled back a few inches and rested his forehead against Castiel's. "Don't you ever do anything like that again, do you understand me?"

Cas nodded, feeling another wave of warmth that only the affection of family could give, and reluctantly allowed Gabriel to break away as the door opened and Sam and Dean reappeared with his dinner.

After he had eaten as much of the soup as he could manage, Dean unwound his bandages and checked the still healing wounds from the fight, then Sam gave him one of his sweatshirts to wear, which was really too big, and the sleeves fell past his hands, but it was warm and comfortable and Castiel gratefully curled up in it, overwhelmed with their care, as he was tucked back into bed, and fell asleep almost instantly, dreaming of family and the better times that were hopefully to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean was dozing in the chair by Cas' bed when the angel woke again the next morning. The hunter gave a start as he felt the bed shift under his propped up feet and he quickly rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he saw Cas shifting in discomfort.

"Hey, you okay, buddy?" he asked, shifting to sit on the edge of the bed.

Castiel frowned. "I can't find a comfortable position. Everything hurts, and I'm very thirsty." He said it in a defeated voice that made Dean set his jaw in determination.

"Well, let me grab you a couple more pillows and then we'll see about getting some breakfast into you."

Dean fluffed a couple extra pillows and used them to prop Cas up into a sitting position that seemed to ease some of his pain, at least for the moment. He noticed as he maneuvered the angel however, that he was still running a fever, likely the cause of his discomfort. He frowned as he went to the kitchen, yawning as he started the coffee and grabbed a tray, looking around for something to give Cas to eat.

"Hey, what's up?" Sam asked as he stumbled into the room, still in his pajamas, looking longingly toward the coffee pot that was currently gurgling. "Is Cas awake?"

"Yeah, thought he should probably eat something," Dean had decided on oatmeal and toast as the easiest thing for him to get down. "You think Tylenol's a good idea? He's still running a fever."

Sam shrugged. "Can't hurt, I guess. Especially if he's mostly human. It might be a good thing to bring the fever down so it doesn't sap any more of his energy."

Dean nodded in agreement as he stirred the oatmeal, adding some butter and sugar, and putting some grape jelly on the toast. "I'll take this to him. Can you pour me a cup of joe when it's done?"

Sam nodded and Dean brought the breakfast to Cas who looked at him with a frown.

"Is it necessary that I eat?" he inquired tiredly.

"Are you hungry?" Dean asked with raised eyebrows.

Cas shrugged. "I feel more nauseous than hungry, but Gabriel seems to think I should eat. It does seem like my vessel needs more…sustenance. It would make sense since I seem to be utilizing more of it."

"Well, try this, you'll probably feel better after eating something, and then you can take these pills for the fever."

Cas frowned indignantly. "I don't need human medication."

Dean sighed and sat down after settling the tray in Cas' lap. "Look, Cas. It may help, and you can use all the help you can get. No offence, but you're gonna have to get used to being mostly human. It doesn't look like there's gonna be an alternative this time. But I promise that Sam and I are gonna help you through it, okay?"

Cas stared at him for a long moment then sighed, seeming to surrender. "I wish I wasn't so weak."

"I know, but you're still here, and that's what matters. You'll be back on your feet in no time," Dean told him and pointed to the bowl. "Now, am I gonna have to do the airplane or what?"

Castiel gave him a withering look and began to eat. Sam came in with two cups of coffee and handed one to Dean before he sat next to him and smiled at the angel.

"Feeling any better?" he asked.

"It is a…long process," Cas told him. "But I think with some more rest, I may be able to get out of bed within a couple days."

"Good," Sam said. They sat in companionable silence for a long moment until Cas broke it.

"While I was unconscious…I did hear you. I…remember more of it now, what you said."

Sam and Dean shared a look before turning back to Cas. "You did?"

"I don't know what Gabriel showed you, and I apologize if he was a bit abrasive, but I never meant for you to feel bad about those things—if it were indeed the things Lucifer enjoyed…tormenting me with while he was in my vessel."

Sam swallowed hard, a sympathetic look crossing his face, knowing all too well. "It wasn't a bad thing, Cas. Dean and I—sometimes we don't see, we don't realize what we're doing or saying until it's too late. And I am so sorry for everything we have put you through to get to the point you did." He stopped and shook his head. "I mean, I've been in a bad place before, Cas. Multiple times, and I know how it feels, and I hate to think you had to know what that felt like."

"We did a lot of screwing up," Dean agreed. "I especially made a lot of crappy decisions. But I'm actually glad Gabriel showed us where we went wrong. Because, honestly Cas, I had no idea; or at least, I didn't give it much thought. But you are certainly not expendable, Cas. Don't ever let me hear you say that, you hear me? Don't even think it." His voice trembled at the end, and Cas' eyes softened as he saw the sincerity in his friend's face.

"It wasn't that I took it all to heart," Cas said. "I just…some things were easier to ignore than others. I did eventually understand why you couldn't allow me to stay here when Sam was possessed by Gadreel, and I also understood your anger and mistrust after I opened Purgatory. It was well deserved."

"No, see, that's the point, Cas, it wasn't," Dean said firmly, reaching out to grip his wrist. "We have all done something to ruin the world at least once. And you, a freakin' angel, have forgiven Sam and me on multiple occasions, but for some reason we could never do the same, and I'm sorry. For everything."

Cas smiled kindly. "You don't have to be, Dean. Like you said, this is a fresh start. We should forget the past and just move on from here."

"I agree," Sam nodded, smiling.

"I don't want you two to torture yourselves with guilt either," Cas told them firmly. "You sounded very guilty when you were praying to me. It was very painful, and I wanted to wake up and assure you that I didn't blame you."

"Well, you took long enough," Dean said, only half joking. "We really thought we were gonna lose you, man."

"I didn't have the strength to wake up for a while," Cas told him. "And believe me, I wanted to. Gabriel sat for hours telling me very…explicit stories that I had no choice but to listen to. I wish I could have asked him to stop."

The brothers laughed at this. "Well, we'll make sure he doesn't tell you any more of his X-rated exploits while you're trying to recuperate," Sam said with a smile then stood to reach for his tray. "I can take that if you're done."

Cas nodded and Sam left the room, leaving Dean holding the bottle of Tylenol insistently. Cas eyed it warily.

"Dean…"

"Cas, just try it," Dean told him firmly and Cas finally sighed and held out a hand. Dean shook out two pills and watched as Cas swallowed them. Dean took the glass of water back from him and settled it on the side table before he leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "Cas, I need to apologize to you."

"Dean, you already have," Cas said shaking his head. "It's in the past, as you said."

"No, I—I need to apologize for what I said when we got back after fighting Amara."

Cas' eyes looked pained. "I know it was dangerous for all of us, I just thought it was the only way."

"No Cas," Dean pleaded. "Please, I need you to understand. I was angry that you did it, and yeah, partly because I was worried about what could have happened, and Lucifer did almost kill Sam, but you stopped him, and I can't even imagine the power that took, Sam would know better than me, but you managed it somehow, and that was brave." The look on Cas' face made Dean's stomach clench and he had a feeling it was after that when Lucifer had started torturing Cas in earnest, drudging up the memories he had tried to forget. "I mean, you know I would do anything to protect Sammy, I know he's a grown man, but it's hard to let go of that instinct. But I shouldn't…you're my brother too, Cas, and I should extend the same policy to you as well." He looked down at his clasped hands, trying to get a hold of his emotions. "And I shouldn't have yelled at you, but you have to understand, it wasn't just Sam I was worried about. I was angry because I thought you had thrown your life away, and I didn't understand why, because Sam and I had just agreed not to do that again, not on purpose. And I was angry because I was scared I was gonna lose you too, after everything." He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut, but was unable to stop the single tear that escaped. "Cas, I've lost too many people. My parents, Bobby who was a second father to me, Ellen and Jo; and Lisa and Ben, Kevin, and then Charlie too…" He ran a hand over his face, trying to compose himself enough to continue. "You and Sam—you're all the family I have left, and if I lose you two…there just ain't no more me, Cas. It's either we all stay alive or we all go out together; there just ain't no other options. And I can't stand the thought that I almost lost you because of my own damn stupid mistakes. I mean, what am I? Every time you and Sam try and sacrifice yourselves it seems like it's really because I drive you to it one way or another. Am I that horrible of a person that I…?" He couldn't continue, he just slumped over and buried his face in his hands.

"Dean," Cas whispered, and there was a hand on his shoulder, tight, steadying, right in the spot Dean used to have the handprint from when Cas had dragged him out of hell. "Didn't Bobby say family was supposed to make you miserable?"

Dean chuckled wetly, scrubbing at his eyes as he looked up to see Cas smiling, tears in his eyes as well. "Yeah, yeah he did. He was always right."

"I forgive you, Dean," Cas told him firmly, still squeezing his shoulder. "As you said, this can be a new start for all of us. I think it's a good thing."

"Well, then let's start with me saying this," Dean told him and looked him straight in the eyes. "I forgive you too, Cas. For everything. I realize now I never really said it, at least apparently not to mean it, so I'm going to say it now."

Cas smiled. "I think it will make us all feel better, right?"

Dean smiled back. "Right." He sighed and stood up. "Well, I should probably let you rest. Are you still good?"

"Very tired," Cas admitted wearily. Then frowned and held up his hand. "And I…meant to ask whether this was some strange side effect?"

Dean laughed at the little smiley faces drawn onto his fingers. "Only a side effect of having an idiot for brother." He reached down and pulled one of the blankets over Cas' shoulders.

The angel suffered his ministrations with a fond tolerance. He knew Dean had to do this, had watched him do as much to Sam on multiple occasions and felt comforted that Dean was extending the same brotherly devotion to him. He finally felt at home. His eyelids were already drooping when Dean turned off the light and left the room.

"Call if you need anything," the hunter said but Cas was already asleep as he reached the door and he closed it quietly behind him.

He didn't get two steps before he saw Sam lurking in the hallway and was suddenly engulfed in a surprise hug.

"Woah, what's this all about?" he asked, feeling Sam huff against his neck.

"I heard you and Cas talking," he said as he pulled back, giving Dean a pained look. "You are not a horrible person, Dean. Don't ever think that, okay? It goes both ways you know. And you can't expect to help Cas if you are too busy hating yourself. You hear me?"

Dean's face softened and he reached up to cup the side of Sam's neck. "Okay, I hear you, little brother."

Sam smiled and gripped his shoulder tightly. "Okay, good. Now, I think we have a couple things to do."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel woke later to whispering. It irritated him a bit, as he was tired and just wished to sleep, his head and body aching dully, but he couldn't sleep any more now and opened his eyes with a scowl as he heard the door creak open and Sam peeked in.

"Hey, Cas, sorry if we woke you, thought you might like some dinner?"

This eating all the time was getting annoying too, but Cas had to admit there was an emptiness in his stomach that he hadn't felt there since he had been fully human. It should have made him sad, this feeling, and partly he was regretful of it, but he was also happy and grateful. Grateful that his friends had brought him back when he was ready to give up, and happy that he had been given this chance at a new start when he needed it most. So he smiled at Sam and nodded to him as he came into the room with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a plate with a glass of milk.

"I remember how much you liked these," the younger Winchester told him with a grin. "And don't worry, it's jelly, not jam."

Cas smiled, touched that Sam had remembered their conversation. Dean came into the room a second later and held up a small thin device.

"Before you eat, time to take your temperature," Dean told him firmly.

"Dean, I—" he didn't get to protest anymore before the thermometer was stuck into his mouth. He glared at the elder Winchester and Dean ignored him as it beeped and he took it out.

"99.8," he said. "It's gone down. You should take some more of the Tylenol though, it seems to be helping and it's time for another dose."

Castiel gave a longsuffering sigh. He supposed he was just going to have to allow them to do this and instead of protesting he should just return the favor the next time they were injured. It seemed like a losing battle he didn't have the strength or heart to fight. It was really rather touching, after all. Of course, too many more days of this and he might be ready to smite them.

They sat and talked with him while he ate, and as he was finishing up, Gabriel strode in with a grin on his face, arms behind his back.

"Hey, bro, how are you doing? I got you a moving in present," Gabriel said, pulling something from behind his back with a flourish and handing Cas a wrapped, tall rectangular box. Cas looked at it with a frown, casting a questioning gaze toward Sam and Dean who smiled encouragingly.

"I…don't understand," Cas said.

Gabriel shot the Winchesters a look and Dean stepped forward, clearing his throat. "This is your room now, Cas. You're going to stay here with us from now on," Dean told him.

"If you want to," Sam added, quickly, so it didn't seem too much like a command. "But we wanted you to know that the option is there."

"And we'd like to have you here," Dean added with a smile, reaching out to grip Cas' shoulder.

"Really?" the angel asked, somewhat hesitantly, but there was hope in his eyes.

"Hell yes," Dean said firmly. "You're family, Cas. This is our home, and you deserve a part of it too."

"As soon as you feel better, we'll help you pick out some stuff to make the room more yours," Sam added then smiled. "But we thought we'd all get something to start you off with."

A genuine smile wreathed the angel's face. "Thank you, Dean, Sam. It means a lot to me."

Gabriel looked pleased as he nudged Cas' foot. "Open it up, kiddo."

Castiel slowly tore off the paper to reveal the gift, frowning in confusion.

"The hell?" Dean said as he saw it, casting a wavering look at the archangel who was smirking. Sam laughed.

"What…is it?" Cas asked his brother carefully.

"It's a lava lamp, featherbrain," Gabriel told him, taking the box and opening it. "Totally groovy. Thought you might like it."

He set it up on the desk beside the bed and plugged it into the wall. Bubbles started forming in the neon yellow liquid inside and Cas watched in fascination as they bobbed up and down.

"Are you trying to give him bad taste in decoration?" Dean asked Gabriel.

"Please, like guns, porn and outdated records are what Martha Stewart is using this year," Gabriel snarked.

"I like it," Cas said with a smile, still watching the lamp. "It's very cheerful."

Dean rolled his eyes, but couldn't stop the small smile quirking in the corner of his mouth as he shook his head. Sam reached into his jacket and pulled another smaller, flat package out of his pocket.

"I got you something too, Cas." He handed it to the angel.

Cas again took the paper off carefully and looked with interest at the leather journal that he uncovered.

"I thought you could use a journal since you're pretty much a hunter and Man of Letters now," Sam told him.

"Thank you, Sam, this is a lovely gift," Cas told him, genuinely touched by the thought. He thought he would very much enjoy taking down the accounts of their hunts.

"Well, I came to say goodnight, Cas, I have to get going and see to some dirty work," Gabriel told him, and reached out, ruffling his hair as usual. "Get some sleep."

Castiel smiled up at his brother as the archangel left the room, and then Sam picked up his plate and cup and said something about doing the dishes. Cas soon found himself alone with Dean, the elder Winchester standing awkwardly beside his bed. Cas looked up at him expectantly.

Dean cleared his throat and reached into his coat, pulling something out that was badly wrapped in newspaper. He cringed self-consciously and nearly thrust it at Cas as if he wanted to give it to him before he could change his mind.

"I, uh, didn't know what to get you. Thought you might like to choose stuff for the room yourself, but, um, I found this a while back in some of Bobby's stuff, and I—I don't know…thought you might like it." He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck as he anxiously watched Cas unfold the object from the newspaper.

The angel was intrigued, seeing Dean's effected nonchalance for what it was—always worried about 'chick flick moments'—and he unwrapped the hard object, finding it to be a picture frame. It was turned over on its face and as he flipped it right side up, a smile formed on his face and spread warmth down into his chest.

It was a picture Bobby must have taken at some point, he couldn't remember exactly when, but likely sometime during the apocalypse, on a rare day they had been in a good mood. The backdrop was Bobby's kitchen, and framed in the center were himself and the Winchesters. Dean was in the middle, grinning as he had one arm around Cas' shoulders and the other around Sam's, pulling them in for the impromptu photo shoot. Sam had a genuine, yet vaguely longsuffering smile on his face, and Cas, though not exactly smiling, because he hadn't been entirely sure of what was going on, had a look of contentment that the angel was surprised to see on his own face. It was a comfortable one of belonging, and he knew for the first time, that he felt the same way now.

Dean tapped a finger on the frame. "This is to remind you that we're family, Cas," he said simply. "That you are very much part of it and that you always have a place here. So, don't let anyone, including Sam and me, let you think differently okay? And if we ever do again, you can just punch us in the face."

Cas smiled up at him. "Thank you, Dean. This means a lot."

Dean shrugged it off, but he couldn't stop the pleased smile that spread over his face. "Yeah, well, you're welcome." He reached down and gripped Cas' shoulder tightly. "Welcome home, Cas."

The angel felt a calmness wash over him that stayed long after Dean left to let him rest. He was tired, but even more so he just wanted to sit and revel in his contentment a little longer. He set the photo on the side table and then took his new journal onto his lap. And glancing at the picture in the strange yet pleasing glow from the lava lamp, Cas took up a pen and wrote his first entry as a Man of Letters.


End file.
